Pain is not the Enemy

For those that know me, I’ve had back issues for a very, very long time. Most recently, I had various types of shots and an ablation earlier this year. I’ve also tried acupuncture and see a chiropractor regularly (or I did, pre-COVID anyway).

I’ve had mixed results with all of these. None of them have gotten rid of my low back pain entirely, but some have helped enough that I can walk 3-4 miles and enjoy walks with my partner/husband, something I wasn’t sure would happen again in my darker moments.

Just last week I came home from a walk, just over 4 miles, and I was in a bit of pain. Nothing unusual, usually I am feeling it and sit for a few minutes, stretch a little and then go about my day. But as the day went on I realized that this pain was different. It was, well, more painful.

Photo Credit: pixologic/Depositphotos

So I rested for the next few days and told myself and my partner that if it hadn’t improved by Monday I would call my back doctor and see what he said. I also made an appointment to see my chiropractor (who is booked 2 weeks out due to COVID restrictions and cleaning protocols). So I rested, used ice, took ibuprofen and just did all the things I normally do for pain.

As of today, Monday, I am feeling better. Not 100%. Not even 80%, but better.

The Pain Isn’t The Enemy

What I realized recently though, is that while I am completely “over” dealing with this type of regular pain, and I am hugely frustrated with feeling 100 when I am only 41, I have a support system like no other.

I have friends and family who will offer sympathy and a shoulder to whine one when I need it. I have a husband who is the best nurse anywhere (for real, he’s the best) and who will rub China Gel on my back as well as massage my back for long periods of time to do whatever he can to help me feel better.

The pain isn’t the enemy, it’s my relationship with my pain that is the problem.

Much like my food addiction. My gastric sleeve surgery didn’t solve my relationship with food, I had to do that myself. The surgery was a tool to help me make peace with my addiction and make lifelong changes to be better, and do better.

With my back pain it’s a bit different, there isn’t much that can be done that I haven’t already done to “fix it,” but I have to not hate it so much. I have to just let it be what it is, a message that I did too much and I need to rest.

Resting is Hard For Me

I don’t know when this started, but resting makes me feel guilty. Even when I know I have no other choice, I feel like I should be doing something, anything else but resting.

I need to take a cue for Shadow the Cat — She feels no guilt whatsoever about resting. Photo Credit: J.L. Metcalf/Washington

I feel like I am failing somewhere or someone when I don’t work or clean or…whatever I think I should be doing.

The fact is, no one else sees me that way.

No one else thinks that I am failing them.

But yet, I still feel as though I need “permission” to rest. In fact, on Friday, my husband was the one who made the case that I just relax instead of sitting at my desk — which exacerbates my pain — and just relax on the couch.

He was 100% right.

By resting for a few days, watching Halloween cooking shows, and just taking care of myself I did feel better by Monday.

But almost more than feeling better, I realized a few things:

  1. When I receive these “messages of pain” I need to listen.
  2. When I receive these “messages of pain” I need to respect them.
  3. When I receive these “message of pain” I need to honor them.

So whoever may need to hear this: It’s OK to rest. Your body is telling you something it. Listen to it. Respect it. Honor it.

Your body will thank you for it.

Resting is good for you! Do it more!
Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com


The End of One Thing…The Beginning of Another?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about endings and beginnings. This pandemic has ended one part of our lives — where we live happy and ignorant of what is actually happening around us — but it has created a new, and some would argue, better life for all of us. One where we are more awake, more aware.

The deaths of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Elijah McClain, and far too many others, have ended the ignorance of many in favor of an awareness that has shaken them deeply.

The end of ignorance is no bad thing. When it comes suddenly and without warning it can be terrifying. You may think your world is ending and you will feel alone, scared, confused. But don’t fight it. Don’t allow yourself to hide in a blanket of ignorance and willful disregard for the truth.

Because, make no mistake, that is what it is.

When people decide they don’t want to wear masks (for whatever asinine reason they give) they are deciding, they are making a choice to be ignorant of the wellbeing of others around them. They are choosing to thumb their noses at their fellow human. They are choosing, frankly, to be assholes.

When people decide that “All Lives Matter’ instead of understanding that all lives can’t matter until Black Lives Matter, they are choosing to ignore the reality of their world. They are choosing to decide that they know better, that they are better because they proclaim “All lives matter” — and they never realize that what they are saying is offensive, rude and hurtful to the people who’s lives don’t seem to matter.

All of this is about the ending of one way of thinking and turning instead towards another, perhaps more enlightened way of thinking. And it doesn’t have to be painful. If only we could admit that the way we used to think was “wrong” and that we need to evolve. If only we understood that many of us need to change our minds and understand that when things change, it doesn’t mean the world has ended. It simply means that things have changed.

Change does not suddenly mean you are irrelevant.

Find a Way to Understand

We don’t all have to agree. But what we do all need to do is understand. Find some sympathy for others, I’m not asking you to empathize with every single person, just find some sympathy for another’s struggles.

Look, at this point, I am struggling with trying to understand why someone, anyone would vote for Trump. Why anyone thinks that over 150,000 deaths is acceptable or “It is what it is.” I will never understand standing behind someone who is unabashedly racist, sexist, homophobic, and quite frankly, the King Asshole of Asshole Mountain.

But I can let them think the way they need to think. I don’t have to be their friend. I don’t even have to conversate with them. I can turn away and just realize, “Okay, we are never going to agree on this.” And I can continue to voice my concerns, fight for what I believe in, and make myself heard when it is necessary. I can vote for a candidate I don’t love, but who I know will be better than Donald Trump.

Is this a form of understanding? I don’t know.

Now, after these last four years, I am finding more and more that it doesn’t feel quite right does it? It still feels kind of icky. And that is because what Trump stands for is hatred. When he won in 2016 I wept because I knew, in my heart, that hatred had won. I knew that he would hurt this country, and I hate that I was right. That so many of us were right.

In 2020, we cannot allow that to happen again. We have to show the world that hatred does not rule the U.S.. We have to show ourselves that hatred does not rule the U.S.

This is all a bit preachy, and not at all what I intended to write about when I opened this page.

I suppose my point is that we have to learn to accept change, or be forever doomed to live with disastrous consequences, and maybe that’s what we deserve.

I think, though, that if we find a way to understand each other, to be civil to one another, that we can come back to a place of balance in this world. Not perfect peace, not all love and happiness, but balance. Because right now, we are dangerously out of balance, and if we tip over, I am afraid what that will mean for all of us because as bad as things seem right now, they can get worse if we don’t do something.

Let’s do better people.

“Never forget that justice is what love looks like in public.”

-Cornel West


Nazi’s, Donuts and Facebook … Oh My!

Facebook is a cesspool.

Did you know that? I knew that, but I knew it somewhere in the back of my mind, some place where I didn’t really consider it much, but it always lurked there. In other words, logically I knew Facebook (and social media) is a cesspool of trolls and cruelty, but I had never experienced it much.

Well, that certainly changed for me recently.

Some quick backstory. There is a Rhode Island donut shop called Allie’s Donuts. It’s been around for 50 years. It’s very popular and well-known (and their donuts’ are delicious). Recently they announced they would be getting rid of their military and police discount until police are held accountable for their actions. In the wake of protests, riots, police brutality and the murders of people of color simply for being people of color, it was a small stance, but it turned into a powerful one for the small, local donut shop. 

I posted that I supported their stance (see image below) and well, it blew the hell up.

By saying that I supported equality and then used #normalizeequality I apparently triggered some folks who thought that what Allie’s was doing was not only wrong, it was anti-equality and anti-military and police. 

But it was more than just triggering some troglodytes, the very first comment was “Nazi!” That’s it. No other context, no other words, just a woman I don’t know deciding that because I supported taking away a discount on donuts that I was a Nazi. 

I was, simply put, stunned and also kind of amused. 

For those that may not know, I am married to a man of color. I am a feminist, and I am, and have always been, a supporter of equal rights for all. I am as far from being a Nazi as one can be, but I am not about to explain that to someone whose go-to insult is Nazi for anyone who has an opinion different from theirs. 

Well, it continued from there. I was called fat, that I had yellow teeth (WTF?), that I was liberal garbage, and that I was a piece of shit. Typical, bottom of the barrel insults trying to get under my skin. 

I was also mildly threatened that some people hoped I would choke on a donut and/or that they hoped I would never need the police. I mean…seriously? That old chestnut is one that got me thinking. The police don’t work that way. They don’t decide they have been insulted by a business or person and then don’t do their jobs. And if they do work that way, then there we go, systematic issues within our police force. 

I want to say that none of this got to me, that I laughed it off and went about my day, but I can’t…

Look, I want to say that none of this got to me, that I laughed it off and went about my day, but I can’t, because then some people went onto my Facebook page and decided to start leaving easy comments there – telling me to “Go fuck yourself” or “Have you ever seen a dentist?” Those people I blocked and deleted their comments. That kind of hatred will not live on my page. Ever. I know who I am, I know what I stand for, and I know that I am neither fat, nor garbage, nor have yellow teeth. I am not a Nazi. And shame on all of those people for descending into such childish attempts to shame and hurt me. 

It got to me though, not because it was personal insults, but because I know that there are people who are getting it way worse than I did the other day. I know there are people who are fighting the good fight and getting harassed, threatened and treated like they don’t matter.

It breaks my heart that people are so cruel. Which sounds simplistic and naive, but I am beyond caring about what I sound like, because it’s the truth. My heart broke a little yesterday that these people exist, have families, friends, coworkers, and that they think like this person, they support this person, they learn from this person. Perpetuating hatred and cruelty for generations to come.

The fact is that arguing on Facebook is a massive waste of time. It’s like banging your head on a wall while arguing with yourself. All you end up with is a headache, feeling frustrated and needing a nap. 

I won’t argue with someone who tells me I am a “Karen,” who’s the real “Karen” here?

I won’t argue with someone who says, “I must have been bullied in high school.” (I was, and I got over it). 

I will laugh at someone who says that I must have been “Triggered” when they have clearly been triggered by what I said. 

I will laugh when someone calls me a Nazi because guess who the potential Nazi is here? 

Good people don’t get mad at stuff like this. Good people understand that there are two sides, there are reasons, and that everyone is trying to take a stand the best way they can. Sometimes that offends people, but the good people, they’ll understand.

But look, there are light spots too.

Allie’s had a huge line, and sold out of their donuts the day after their decision. People supported them in waves, and I love that. People supported me as well by saying they agreed with my opinion, and that they agree with Allie’s decision. People were amused at the Gif’s I used to respond to people — because words won’t change their minds. They want a fight, and I won’t give them a Facebook fight. But that helped, knowing that people supported me as well as Allie’s for taking a stand. 

This world is a confusing, scary and dangerous place. It’s also full of light, beauty and kindness. It’s just that the angry and scary bits are so freaking loud, especially now, that it can be hard to hear the good bits. 

I admit, I had moments the other day that I wanted to delete my comment, that I wanted it all to be over because it just hurt so much, and then I looked at my husband, a man of color who has been fighting this type of hatred his whole life, and I thought about all those who are dying, being hurt, and being murdered, all because of the color of their skin or their sexual preference and I realized I couldn’t take down my small comment on a small local Facebook page. That would mean the troglodytes won. 

They cannot win. They will not win.

They can get under my skin, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t know who I am. That doesn’t mean that I toss out all the work I’ve done to be better mentally and physically. But for those who struggle when they are torn down by the trolls of social media (and you are a troll, don’t get it twisted) I wish I could reach out and hug you and let you know you are going to be okay, and that those trolls don’t matter. It must be so sad for them, living such a hate-filled life.

The flip side is staying silent. Honestly, we are past the point where silence is acceptable. I know there is a lot to process and take in. I understand it is scary to speak up — I understand it more now than I did a day ago — and even as I type this I am afraid of what or who might find this blog and attack me, but I won’t be silent. 

I won’t pretend that this stuff doesn’t matter. I won’t pretend that there isn’t problems, systemic, deadly problems in our society that need to be changed. People that need to be heard. Fights that need to be fought. And elections that need to be won. 

Speaking up is hard, and I commend each and every person who is brave enough to speak up against the hatred. I applaud you and I want you to know, wherever you are, whoever you are, I hear you. I believe in you, and I support you. 

This is hard. This is so fucking hard it breaks my heart every day. But I want to stand tall and say I spoke my piece. I stood behind my beliefs and I did what I could to help make the world better. 

Losing self-consciousness and fear allows us to focus on the content of what we are saying instead of on ourselves. – Gloria Steinem, 1981

Let’s keep our foot on the gas, and let’s take care of one another. This fight can be won. Equality for all.

#NormalizeEquality #JusticeForThemAll #BlackLivesMatter


If You Are Offended, Check Your Privilege

I don’t know if I’m your flavor, but …

It was those words that got my attention when my future husband first emailed me on an online dating site. His words got my attention, and I found his way of finding out if I dated outside my race charming and kind. He left me a chance to ignore, or reply without making me feel bad about it.

Luckily for both of us, while I had never dated outside my race, I was not against it and found him funny, kind, and interesting (not to mention, he didn’t send me any unsolicited nudes, nor did he ask me for any nudes, a refreshing change of pace when online dating). 

Fast-forward almost seven years later and we are happily married and he has woken me from my white privilege world and showed me that there is more to life than being white and having your head in the sand. 

For him, and for so many other people of color, this type of racism and hatred is nothing new. For some of us white people it is awakening something inside of us that we have long been avoiding, something that feels shameful at times, it feels uncomfortable, but when you get through that discomfort you are awakened to something that makes you both sad and angry. 

The killing of George Floyd is only one of many in recent years. But I think what has made it such a catalyst of protesting and anger is a few things. I think that because the officer was so blatant in his disregard for Floyd’s life. The way he put his hands in his pockets and just stared ahead, totally detached from the pleas Floyd made as he lay dying. If you have seen the video, you know it’s utterly heartbreaking. But it’s also terrifying that someone could be in law enforcement and have such utter disregard tor human life. 

There is a lot that we, as a culture, are unpacking about recent events. There are riots from supposed groups that aren’t at all interested in the #BlackLivesMatter movement. There are protests with peaceful and powerful moments of silence. Where people are just trying to make their voices heard. 

I hear you. We hear you.

Do not let those that think people of color, LGBTQ+, women, et cetera are less than human dissuade you from your mission. I will not let their loudness keep me from speaking the truth, from listening to those who’s struggles are not my own, but who have struggled in ways I cannot understand. I will not let their loudness and their cruelty keep me hidden in fear. I will always stand on the right side of this — and do not mistake, there is a right and a wrong side of this issue. 

Your life matters. Human lives matter.

I will not say that “all lives matter” because quite frankly, that isn’t true in our culture. If you look at how Asians, Latinos, Native Americans, Gay, Trans and African Americans are all treated then no one with any kind of awakening to the truth can say that their lives seem to matter to some. When you say all lives matter, you are lying, and you are minimizing the struggles of anyone who isn’t rich, white, male and racist. 

I don’t say these things to say I hate men, I hate white people, or I hate rich people. No. I say these things knowing I am speaking in broad generalities. But I also say these things because they are true. If you are offended by the movement, perhaps you need to sit down and check your bias. Check your privilege and find out if you are perhaps offended because you have some issues. You have some unconscious bias created by the systematic racism in this country that maybe you don’t want to admit, maybe you are ashamed, or maybe you think it’s normal and perfectly acceptable because “those people” cause trouble. 

Check your privilege people. 

If you are offended, you aren’t paying attention. Learn, listen and understand it. 

If you are uncomfortable, great, stay that way, fight through it, understand it. Learn, listen, and help where you can. 

We are all humans in this fight, and we can’t step off the gas when things get hard or another news story takes precedence. Keep fighting, keep learning, and speak truth. 

When we shine a light on the darkness, it crumbles to nothing. So let’s keep shining a light and let’s work to make sure no more are murdered, no more are beaten down, no more are afraid. 

Let’s keep this fight going until humanity is synonymous with equality.

With that in mind, remember to VOTE in November.


Making Choices: Why You Can’t Make Someone Make Good Choices

I am feeling frustrated. There are a lot of reasons for that frustration, but one of the big ones is watching people consistently make bad choices.

At this point, you can just look online and pick any one bad choice:

  1. Not wearing a mask because you think it’s a conspiracy to take way your rights as an American.
  2. Being with or around someone who is bad for you.
  3. Not believing medical advice.
  4. Trying to convince others that your “research” is in-depth and correct, even if it doesn’t at all make sense.

So many other things, as you can see a lot of them have to do with the pandemic — which is STILL happening folks, just because it’s warmer and sunnier doesn’t mean it’s over. Just because you are tired of it doesn’t mean it’s over.

Some of them are issues I’ve dealt with in my own past. Dating the wrong guy being specific to that list. I was talking to my husband last night about communication, and how with him it was easy and stress-free. I never worried that my texts or phone calls were annoying, or would go unanswered. He was always happy to hear from me, and I from him. That’s because he was the right person for me. It was never a question of “Is he going to leave?” It was always, “When can I see this person again?”

It was dating (and then obviously marrying) this man that made me realize how many bad choices I made with men. Some of the guys were lovely people, some were not (honestly, most of them were awful). But all of them had the same thing in common, they said they wanted one thing, but really wanted something else. And even more importantly, we weren’t compatible.

I had a choice to make when I dated these guys, I could choose to stay with them, or fight to get their attention was more what it was, or I could move on and keep looking for that person who would want me, would give me attention, and who would tell me the truth of what they wanted (and it would match up with what I wanted). These choices are really hard. Really hard. But they are so vital to us finding our way to happiness.

This type of situation isn’t unusual. I know most of us go through something similar. Nor, does it have to exclusively be for romantic relationships. It can be for work, family, exercise, whatever.

What it comes down to is choice.

You can choose to be happy and find something that gives you joy every day. Or you can choose to live and be unhappy, and choose things that bring you misery.

What I can’t abide is people asking for advice and then completely ignoring it. I see it every day in various permutations. Sometimes it’s someone asking for relationship advice, sometimes it’s a person asking for life advice, sometimes it’s someone asking for work advice.

You give the advice, they thank you and then you watch them do the exact opposite of what you just said.

It’s an excellent exercise in realizing you can’t control other people’s choices, what you can control is your own. You can choose to not give that advice. You can choose to give the advice and let go of the outcome (really hard to do for a person like me who has control issues), or you can choose cut ties with the person (this depends on how bad their choices are and how painful it is for you).

What I think choices come down to is protecting ourselves. We can choose to protect our hearts and do what’s right for us, which is not a selfish act by the way. Protecting your heart is something that takes practice. You have to know when to open it up, and when to close it down. You have to recognize the people who will suck you dry and leave you sad and angry. As well as recognizing the people who will give you joy and fill your soul.

Look for the people who will fill you up, not suck you dry.

That’s why I limit my online time nowadays, because I see a lot of examples of people (who I often don’t even know) who suck me dry and leave me angry and uncomfortable. I work hard to stop allowing that to happen, which is hard in these crazy times, but we all have choices to make. Let’s all choose to be better and do better.


More Thoughts From a Pandemic

I was thinking this week that I have heard a lot online and in the transcription work I do that people are having a hard time working from home.

My husband and I were chatting and realized that this part for us is easy. We both work at home (he as an artist, me as a writer/transcriptionist), so our lives haven’t really changed all that much because of coronavirus.

For us, we get up, work out, get breakfast and begin our workday. Some days are more successful than others, and what has been the biggest change for me is that I find myself easily distracted by texts from loved ones, distracted by the news online, distracted by Facebook.

I can normally go a whole day without looking or posting on Facebook or other social media. Right now, I check it every half hour, obsessively scrolling for any bit of news.

Frankly, I am annoying myself.

But I can still work. I’m lucky. And if there isn’t a lot of work available, I can write. I can write a blog, I could even work on a short story or a new novel. But again, I find it hard to concentrate for very long. But this blog has been a bit of a salvation, a place where I can release my thoughts and hopefully engage with you, dear readers, in a way that is maybe helpful.

Lack of Control

This event is not something any of us expected to see in our time. It is bizarre. I am afraid to leave my house and be around people. I don’t want to get sick. I don’t want anyone I love to get sick. But it’s out of my control, and that’s the thing that makes me totally anxious.

Not having control makes us all feel unsteady and without roots. What’s more frustrating is that there is no real way to root down in a sustainable way. We have to just do our best to reach out and grasp at the things that keep us feeling all right.

Friends. Family. Funny meme’s. Movies. Books.

Whatever it is that distracts you from the news — because here’s the thing, watching too much news is going to make you feel worse. Stay informed, of course, but also step away from the 24-hour news cycle and watch or do something that makes YOU feel happy. Take a bath, listen to music. Dance around your house like a crazy person. Hug someone.

If you are alone, reach out to someone on the phone, use Facetime or Skype or Zoom or email or text, whatever you can.

Those are the things we can control.

Get Control

We can control how we react to this disaster. We can decide to follow the recommendations of experts (NOT Trump) and social distance, stay home (if you can) and wash your hands.

We can control how we deal with our anxiety. We can call our therapist, our doctor, our mom or dad, whoever. We can tell someone that we’re feeling out of control and that we need help.

We control ourselves. We control our reaction.

Sure, it’s easy to type that, harder to do. We want to eat our feelings, or we want to lash out at people because we are anxious. We maybe aren’t sleeping or exercising because, what’s the point?

These are all choices. Make a choice, just one tiny choice today to do something for YOU. Whatever it is. Sit on your porch and get some sun. Have water. Exercise. Maybe you won’t feel 100%, but maybe you’ll feel a little better.

That’s all you have to do, make ONE choice for you. Then do it another time, and another, and then eventually we’ll be out of this and we’ll hopefully be better people for it.

Is It Grief?

I read an interesting article a friend posted yesterday from the Harvard Business Review that said, “If we can name it, we can mange it.” The “It” being the feelings we are all sorting through as we social distance and/or stay home.

The article goes on to say that one of the writers colleagues made the point that what she was feeling was grief.

I found that idea really interesting. Are we grieving for the life we had before Covid-19? Will the world be changed by this pandemic in some fundamental way? Will we be kinder, better people?

My pessimistic side says no. Maybe as things ease and we begin to go out again into the world like “normal” we might be different to one another. But we are also a country that forgets about kids in cages, kids being shot down in schools, I could go on and on.

We forget and we move on.

My optimistic side says, yes! We will be changed. We will be better! And that helps to ease some of the grief.

But is it grief?

In the HBR article, they reach out to David Kessler, “world’s foremost expert on grief” to get some ideas on how to deal with our feelings. They ask him if what we are feeling can be called grief. His response is world quoting in full:

 Yes, and we’re feeling a number of different griefs. We feel the world has changed, and it has. We know this is temporary, but it doesn’t feel that way, and we realize things will be different. Just as going to the airport is forever different from how it was before 9/11, things will change and this is the point at which they changed. The loss of normalcy; the fear of economic toll; the loss of connection. This is hitting us and we’re grieving. Collectively. We are not used to this kind of collective grief in the air.

I 100% agree with this. My husband and I went out today to do some errands and I noticed it right away. The quiet. While people aren’t so great at keeping away from each other, I did have a couple interactions that involved smiles and laughter. My husband laughed with someone. That was nice and normal. Otherwise, we avoided eye contact, we avoided each other (somewhat). It was weird, but normal.

Kessler also says that what we are feeling is something called “anticipatory grief.” That type of grief is where you are almost waiting for the bad stuff to happen, bad stuff we have no control over. That’s what really has resonated with me. The waiting for bad. The waiting for … something else to happen.

We Can Get Through This

I don’t want this to seem all doom and gloom, because it’s not. There is so much hope left in this world, and so much that’s funny and fun. We will get through this, we will survive as the song says, and a lot of us will be stronger because of this.

Be well dear friends. Stay safe. Reach out if you need someone to talk to. Remember to laugh.


Thoughts From a Pandemic

I’m in Rhode Island, and while we’re aren’t being ordered (yet anyway) to shelter in place, nor am I quarantined, I am doing my best to stay home and avoid social situations.

As an introvert, I’ve been training for this my entire life.

Seriously though, I have ranged between overwhelming anxiety and a feeling normalcy – when things are far from normal.

What I’m saying is that I vacillate between feeling as if I might be overreacting and I might be under reacting. It’s this surreal place where I honestly have no clue what I am “supposed” to be doing. I think what I am doing constantly is that I am simply reacting to a situation I never in my life though I’d be a part of.

Honestly, I have to push aside the feeling of terror that my husband or someone else I love might catch Covid-19 and die. When I have those thoughts I think I’m just being dramatic or stupid, but isn’t that a reality of this virus? People are dying from it.

A virus is the great equalizer. It doesn’t care who you are, how much money you have, or really anything. It’s a virus.

I’m not trying to make anyone else feel anxious or panic, and if I have done that, I’m sorry. The fact is that this is an unprecedented situation and I wonder what things will look like after it’s all over (because, it will end). History shows us that people will be nervous at first to resume normal life, and eventually they will forget about it entirely. Ultimately, I doubt much change will come from this. But time will tell on that front.

Right now, I am just doing whatever I can to react in a way that seems resonable and sane. I am trying to not overreact, but to also not under react.

A calm moment a few years ago.

Photo by JL Metcalf – Roger Williams Park

I saw something today on social media that basically said that you should act under the assumption that you are already infected, and your behavior should then reflect you doing whatever you can to avoid spreading it to others.

I think too that people should come together (in a socially distant way of course), share resources where they can, and basically act like members of the human community.

Let’s not allow this to divide us. Let’s allow this to bring us all closer together.


What To Do During a Pandemic if You Have Anxiety

First off, STAY HOME. I can 100% promise that you do not need to go to that bar or the mall. Yes, I feel terrible for saying that because I know that small businesses are going to suffer, but it’s just common sense.

Okay, now, let’s move onto some ideas I’ve had about trying to reduce anxiety during this anxious time.

Let me start by saying that I suffer A LOT of anxiety. I get nervous about everyday things. When I start to spiral out of control I do a few different things to try and stop the spin out.

  1. I talk to loved ones – my husband is an amazing listener, as our my friends.
  2. I talk to my therapist – an impartial viewpoint helps me 10 times out of 10 to relax and see how I can stop the spin.
  3. I take my anti-anxiety medication.

But this is different. Right now we are living in unprecedented times watching unprecedented events unfold. We are leaderless, or rather, being lead by a President who cares nothing about science and facts, and will say anything that comes into his orange head, which is dangerous and irresponsible.

Putting the Distance in Socializing

Non-contact greetings are best during an epidemic. [Credit: Compilation by Nancy R. Gough, BioSerendipity, LLC using icons from Smashicons from www.flaticon.com]

We have been told to practice social distancing, what is that exactly?

Well, first of all, it’s meant to help stop the spread of a disease by limiting how many people are gathered in a space at the same time. That’s why stuff like Comic Cons and other events are being cancelled.

But social distancing can be lonely, right? Well, luckily we live in a world where we can still stay connected without being on top of one another.

Ways To Feel Connected While Practicing Social Distancing:

  1. If you REALLY can’t be alone, safely go to stay with friends/family for a few days, weeks, whatever. By safely, I mean make sure none of you have been exposed in a way you know about. If you are feeling sick, STAY HOME. Don’t expose your illness to others just because you feel lonely. It’s harsh, but it’s truth.
  2. Find online groups to chat and connect with. They are everywhere on social media these days.
  3. Skype & Facetime – these tools are your friend, and are a great way to make you feel less alone. You can see the person you are talking with, without exposing one another to disease.
  4. Online counseling services, telemedicine, are easily available and a valuable resource.
  5. Smoke some pot (if that’s your thing) to relax. It does help.
  6. Have a drink (again, if that’s your thing) to ease your worries if you can, though I don’t recommend getting blotto drunk every night.
  7. Coloring books are great!
  8. Podcasts, learn something!
  9. Books! Read something!
  10. Binge that show on Netflix, Hulu, Amazon or Disney+ that you’ve been meaning to watch. I can tell you that The Mandalorian is fantastic. But so is The Office, Parks and Rec or 30 Rock (for laughs and mindless humor) – just do something that makes YOU happy.
  11. Exercise! Some of my favorite yoga studios, Laughing Elephant and All That Matters, are offering virtual classes for free. I also use HASfit online for my every day workouts. It’s a great way to reduce stress.

The most important thing to remember is don’t give up. This is not the end of the world. It may feel like it, especially if you’ve read The Stand by Stephen King.

Image Credit: The Copy Bot

It’s NOT The End – Keep Hope Alive

Like I said, I have a lot of anxiety, I also know that I am lucky and have a huge support system of friends and family who understand this and love me. My husband is always there to lend an ear to me and help me from spiraling out to much. Same with my lady tribe. 

For now, stop hoarding TP, get some tasty treat to “Treat Yo Self” with and try to not watch the news or read too much social media. Talk to nurses, doctors you may know, get validated and trusted information, and find ways to distract yourself.

Find balance between out and out panic and ignoring it completely. We can’t ignore Covid-19, but we can do things to prevent ourselves from spiraling out of control and deciding this is how the world ends. 

If you feel really badly, or realize you need more help than a blog can give you – REACH OUT TO YOUR DOCTOR.

I have anxiety medication just for the times when I spin out and can’t get the control back. I don’t take it every day, and sometimes just having it comforts me when I start to get wound up in my thoughts.

Don’t be ashamed to seek professional help. Don’t be ashamed to use medication. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, taking care of yourself, and realizing that you need help, are admirable qualities. It’s something to be proud of. You care enough about yourself to do something FOR yourself. Your friends and loved ones will and should appreciate this and applaud you for taking the steps needed to mend your anxious mind. 

Word hope stylized

Image Credit: iStock Photo

These are strange times, and what makes us all feel even more hyped up is first, the lack of leadership coming out of the White House, but, as my husband reminded me the other day, the doctors and those in charge at the CDC, and in each state, they know what they need to do, and they are doing all they can to communicate it. We have to stay positive – and believe me, it’s very, very, VERY hard for me to do that sometimes. 

The other aspect that makes us feel more anxious is the lack of control. Even if you aren’t a control freak (like me) watching things spin out of control makes almost anyone anxious. When you can’t do anything but hope you don’t get sick … well, that isn’t the most comforting thought. 

But it’s what we have right now, and we have to hold onto it. We have to hope that we and those we love will be OK. 

We also have to wash our hands, try not to hoard items so that everyone can get what they need, and just WASH YOUR HANDS.

Cough into your elbow, don’t go out if you’re sick, which I know is hard for those who don’t get sick leave or have asshole bosses, but this is our reality. Don’t be selfish, just because you may not be sick, or feel too poorly, doesn’t mean you won’t infect someone who will get really sick and potentially worse.

Let’s all come together as a human community to take care of one another.


March Musings

I admit to having gone sporadic with my blog posts. I realized last year that committing to writing every week made blogging a chore, not something I enjoyed doing. So I promised myself as 2019 closed and 2020 began that I would create a flow to my blog that made sense for me and, more importantly, made it fun again.

Sufficied to say I have not yet succeeded in this endeavor!

I won’t bore you dear reader with excuses. Instead I’ll say that in January and February I had two separate (and non-serious) medical procedures done, as well as just trying to climb my way out of some weird, existential, mid-life crises type thing.

It’s a lot. And blogging/writing seemed like yet another thing I didn’t want to have to do.

What’s annoying more than anything is that I can’t just sit around and write whatever I want all day long – where’s my bazillion, trazillion dollars so that I can have the life I want???

Being a freelance anything isn’t easy. Realizing that you’re not 100% sure you are A) any good at it and B) even like it make things decidely more challenging.

Author JL Metcalf at work, and enjoing herself!

Image Credit: Frankie B. Washington

What does it all mean?

Well, honestly, nothing. I want to use my blog to talk my truth, to address topics that seem interesting to me. To share my writing with a broader audience, and hopefully engage in fun discussions and writing all at the same time. To that end I decided to grab the laptop, open up my website and type this little ditty to say hello, how are you dear readers?

What does March look like for you? Are you excited that spring is coming? Are you freaking out about the cornoavirus (I admit to feeling some fear about it, mostly because the husband and I have a con coming up, ACE Comic Con if you’re in the area)? Are you desperatly waiting for the 2020 Election to be here and done? Are you ready for Trump to be out of office (good goddess I hope so)?

Or are you hoping for a fun blog from yours truly? I won’t be so egotistical to even assume that, but rest assured, one is coming. It’s just taking a wee bit longer (as I have to start it) than I expected.

So, hi, hello, you are so good looking. I look forward to blogging with you soon friends and readers, and I hope that March treats you well.

Shadow says hello, and looks decidely unimpresed with her writer human.


Diversity vs. Quality: The Ultimate Battle

Some of you may remember that a while back Stephen King fell into the trap that so many fall into these days, he Tweeted what he thought was an innocuous remark, only to discover that the world can instantly turn on you and decide you are racist, sexist, homophobic, or every other thing they can think of to call you. 

King’s Tweet, if you haven’t read it said …I would never consider diversity in matters of art. Only quality. It seems to me that to do otherwise would be wrong.

King was discussing the recent Oscar nominations, and their complete lack of diversity. He is a member of the Academy and while I see what he is saying here, it’s troublesome because it seems to almost shake off any real responsibility for the lack of diversity in the nominations. It takes any responsibility he may have as an Academy voter to make sure that the nominations aren’t all white men, all the time.

Another site I follow, Book Riot, posted AN OPEN LETTER TO STEPHEN KING by one of their writers, Kate McLain. 

In her letter, McLain says that, “I have long admired your work and your straightforward perspective on writing.” Furthermore, McLain says, “I was extremely disappointed,” in Kings Tweet, but also added, “Perhaps not surprised, as I am increasingly less surprised at the ability of white men to look beyond themselves, but disappointed all the same because I know you are capable of better.”

I am a big King fan, and I have always noticed that he includes female characters in his stories, and there are plenty of very strong female characters in his stories, but rarely does he include more diversity than that. As a writer myself, I get it. You primarily write what you know. Before I met my husband, who is an African American man, I never included anybody but white folks in my writing. I feel sad admitting that, but I need to say it, because I am guilty of having diversity blinders on for most of my life. 

I do see what King’s point was. To me he is saying, if we lived in a perfect world where people understood each other and where diversity wasn’t an issue, we could and would judge art on its merits and its quality, not on who created it.

But we don’t live in that world. 

In a Washington Post editorial, King addresses the controversy by saying, “Discussions of arts and culture, like discussions of politics, have become increasingly acrimonious and polarized in recent years,” and that if you say the “wrong” thing (as perceived by the weird judge and jury that is the internet) you can be mocked, ostracized, receive death threats, or potentially worse. 

We all know the Oscars have a diversity problem…
But how do we fix it?
Photo Credit: Oscar.Go

King agrees that “Of the nine films nominated for Best Picture this year, the majority…are what my sons call “man-fiction.” There are fights, guns and many white faces.” 

It comes down to diversity vs. quality. 

What’s unsurprising is that the people who dole out these awards are not representative of the people who make the art they are voting on. In King’s editorial, he states that, “…Eight years ago, 94 percent of the 5,700 voters were white, according to the Los Angeles Times, 77 percent were male and 54 percent were more than 60 years old. This year, women make up 32 percent of voters…and minority members equal 16 percent of the total.” 

Change is happening, but it’s at a snails pace, and not at all in keeping with what people want, or what they consume in their art. But the best and most sustainable changes come slowly, surely, and with purpose. So I think we all have to ride out this current dumpster fire of a world and see that positive will eventually emerge.

All hope is not lost. 

Honestly, I think King made his remark and it wasn’t the best. I don’t want him to judge a movie or book, or any art based on who wrote it (i.e. their skin color, gender or sexual preference), but I want them to be judged by the quality of the art they’ve created. Is that where we live right now? No, because people of color, women, LGBTQ, et cetera all suffer from a lack of representation everywhere, not just the arts. 

We need to make efforts to include everyone in the conversation, and not just the people we nominate again, and again, and again.

Some of the 2020 Nominees
Photo Credit: The Wrap

Because really, The Irishman for best picture? Seriously? Even Once Upon a Time in Hollywood doesn’t seem worthy to me, and I liked that movie. But there were other, better movies that came out that were by non-white, non-male creators. 

For real, who does and doesn’t win an Oscar (or any award) doesn’t really matter much to me. I’d much rather put my energies towards the upcoming Presidential Election and getting people to vote for something that matters. But I also want to live in a world where people of color aren’t just getting nominations for playing a gangster or a slave.

We need to do better as artists, as people, as humans.  

The Oscars are this weekend, so will I be watching? I used to love awards show when I was younger and found the glitz and glamor exciting. Nowadays, I’d rather watch something else. Not something necessarily more high-brow or fancy pants, but something that makes me happy, which awards show do not. 

Will YOU be watching?


An Unexpected Delight During The Super Bowl Halftime Show

I am going to start by saying, I don’t watch football. I don’t care who was in the Super Bowl or who won it. I didn’t even really care who was in the halftime show.

Today, on the Monday after the game, I was talking to my physical therapist and they were all talking about the halftime show that featured Shakira and Jennifer Lopez — two singers that I have a passing like of. I am more of a fan of JLo’s acting (Out of Sight and Hustlers, come on, awesome stuff) than her singing. 

Regardless, I was impressed during that 15 minute show at what these two women pulled off. They didn’t just entertain the holy hell out of the audience (which they did, keeping the energy up at 11 the entire time), but they added some interesting notes that I think people are starting to notice.
The kids singing from cages, during a performance that was very heavily Hispanic and Latino oriented can’t be missed as a statement about kids in, well, cages at the border. 

The multilingual singing and performing, well, that’s pretty obvious isnt it?

The HUGE diversity of dancers, and performers ont hat stage. It wasn’t just white women. It was women, men, or however they may identify, of all colors.

Raul Reyes of CNN said, “Beyond its entertainment value, the Super Bowl halftime show mattered because it put Latino performers center stage, celebrating their contributions to popular culture. It reflected a smart marketing strategy by the NFL and it was a win for diversity and inclusion.” 

We have been through a lot as a country, and right now we are one of our lower lows (not our lowest of course) and I feel a sense of anxiety, sadness and despair many many times during the course of a month, week, or sometimes days. But this performance said a lot to me that I didn’t think a Super Bowl halftime show could, it reminded me that THIS is America. THIS is the world in which we live. Where people come together to perform, to relish in their passions, to be proud of their heritage, and to shout it from one of the biggest stages in the world without shame. 

I felt proud, during those 15 minutes, and a little emotional when I realized what it all was saying to me, and I wondered if it was saying the same to anyone else? I’ve seen articles complaining about the “gyrating” and the stripper pole and blah, blah, blah. To me, that stuff is part of these women feeling proud of their skills, and being proud in their bodies. I wasn’t insulted by it, there was nothing grossly oversexualized about it. It was a celebration of body, of culture, of love. 

Photo Credit: Photo by LARRY W SMITH/EPA-EFE/Shutterstock (10546440eg).

Shakira and JLo at the Super Bowl Halftime Show

It was something I didn’t expect to see, and I am really glad I took the 15 minutes to watch it. It made my sad heart a little less sad.

See you all on Friday for my regular blog post!


January and Candles

Hello Friends and Readers!

I hope you all enjoyed whatever holiday you celebrate. I have enjoyed taking a break to refresh my brain these last couple of months.

I wanted to take a moment to let you know that I will return in February with some new blogs! I have a lot swimming around in this noodle I call a brain, and I can’t wait to share it with you all!

I am also, as always, looking to feature creators whenver possible with my 5 Questions For a Creative blog posts, so feel free to say hello on social media or via this blog to let me know you want to be a part of it.

Finally, my mother makes amazing, wonderfully smelling candles that I have enjoyed for years. She is retiring to spend more time with her kittites and her coloring, so she is having a 50% off sale in her Etsy shop. My father, another creative, makes gorgeous wood items (from pens to ornaments, to more) and I believe his items are now 25% off!

Click here to view their store.

It’s always great to support local artists whenever possible, plus you get amazing smells and cool stuff to boot!

See you soon friends and readers!


Finding Balance

This will be my last blog of 2019, I want to relax and celebrate the season without thinking too much. I also want to come back to you, dear readers, refreshed and ready to tackle a new year of blogs and fun in 2020!

With being refreshed and taking a break, I wonder, what do you all do to bring yourself back to equilibrium? What do you do to even out, find balance and feel more…you?

Photo Credit: Orland Park Prayer Center


Dictionary.com defines Equilibrium as “a state in which opposing forces or influences are balanced.”

When I read it like that, it sounds so simple, so pleasant.

No one tells you that sometimes finding your way back to balance is painful and stressful and, honestly, kind of blows.

(Sorry to be so inelegant with it, but sometimes the best word choices are the least elegant.)

I think about all of the times, past and present, that I have felt out of balance with myself. One that comes to mind readily is when I was in an accident. I was driving home from work and a truck T-boned my Honda. No one was hurt, and while my car ended up being totalled (by insurance speak) I was able to drive home and have a glass of whiskey.

After calling my mom and crying of course.

In the light of day, my car looked sad and crushed. But my spirit, that had flown the coop a little bit when that truck hit me. I felt out of my body and knocked loose. In the most unpleasant way.

I worked at a yoga studio at the time, so I had no shortage of help from people I trusted to help me find my way back to balance. But it was a really uncomfortable time, and it took a LONG TIME to find my way back. Still to this day, I flinch a bit when cars are on that side of me (whether I am driving or not). And the accident was probably almost 10 years ago!

Finding Balance

Finding your balance after it is lost isn’t easy. But I think that in today’s chaotic world, we have many, many different resources that can help us find a solution that helps us.

What are some of mine? I’m so glad you asked!

I like therapy – have I said that recently? I love therapy. It saved me and brought me to a life that I could never have imagined for myself. So yes, therapy, it rocks. And it helps you speak truth to someone who isn’t going to be offended or hurt by it. Having that impartial sounding board makes a world of difference when you are in pain.

Yoga, meditation, spending time with friends. All of these are lumped together because they all help me get my shine back. I feel lighter, happier, more free when I have done all three, or just one or two. My friends give my soul a bath, out of the three, they are my favorite way to rebalance.

Talk about it. Don’t be ashamed if you are feeling out of balance. Don’t be afraid to talk to your friends, family, your dog, cat or goldfish. They may not be able to help fix it, but that’s not why talking helps. Talking helps because you get the “Icky” (yes, that’s my scientific term for it) out of you, and makes you hear it for what it is. It also unburdens your soul so your soul can start working to rebalance itself.

Don’t Let the Holidays Knock You Off Kilter

This time of year is really hard for a lot of people. I personally love it. I feel my most alive during this time of year, and am always sad when it’s over.

But if you find that you feel out of balance, sad, tired, or if you are feeling any feelings that aren’t feeling good in your body, I cannot say this strongly enough, TALK TO SOMEONE.

There are phone therapy lines now that can help if you don’t want to go out. There are always options, and keeping and maintaing your balance are too vital to your well-being to ignore.

It’s not selfish to want to be in balance. It’s not selfish to take an hour or 30 minutes, or five minutes, to yourself to close your eyes, breathe deep and find balance.

It’s not impossible to find balance, it’s just something you have to make time for.

Photo Credit: JL Metcalf

Happy Holidays — However you celebrate! See you in 2020!


Why I Felt “The Irishman” Was a Waste of My Time

It’s not Goodfellas, it’s more like Boring-Fellas.

First off I should say that I am not a huge Scorsese fan. Some of his movie I enjoy, but do I love them with all my heart and soul? Not really. Is he a talented director? Oh yes, most certainly. Is The Irishman on Netflix a total and complete waste of 3 hours and 20 minutes?


Scorsese and Marvel

I shouldn’t have to say this, but I will, if you liked the movie, cool, tell me why because I’m curious. Are you going to change my mind? Probably not, but if you keep reading you’re realize that I recognize there was good in this movie. It’s simply that I never want to see it again, nor would I recommend it to others.

Scorsese is a brilliant director, and he has created some iconic movies. He has also recently come out acting like a petulant, jealous child regarding Marvel movies. He said in the NY Times that, “Cinema is an art form that brings you the unexpected. In superhero movies, nothing is at risk.” That statement makes me think that perhaps he hasn’t really seen any of the movies, because while that is somewhat true, anyone who has seen Endgame knows that not all the heros come to a perfect, storybook ending.

The Irishman is currently on Netflix. Image Credit: Netflix

What I Liked

The Marvel controversy aside, Scorsese is talented, and he has cultivated around him a stable of hugely talented actors, and one of the best parts of The Irishman is seeing actors like Harvey Keitel, Joe Pesci, Al Pacino and Robert De Niro on screen.

The Irishman has received rave reviews from critics, who think that at 209 minutes, “Not a minute of that is wasted” — to which I ask, what movie did you see?

But I digress, the acting was good. The actors were great, and the bones of the story were really interesting. That’s about all I can say in terms of what I enjoyed.

Why Did I Dislike It?

I disliked that the film used women like props. The women characters barely spoke, and if they did it was to ask to smoke a cigarette or praise one of the male characters.

Even De Niro’s daughter in the film, a relationship his character seemed to really find important, and also who is played by Anna Paquin, involved less than 20 words in 209 minutes of film. Why hire such a famous actress to do so little?

CNN, in an article where De Niro defends Paquin’s role, says that, “The actress speaks just seven words in the three and a half hour long Netflix film directed by Martin Scorsese.”

As a woman who enjoys seeing strong female characters, I have a really low tolerance for films that treat women as unimportant. Especially someone like Scorsese, who has had really strong female characters in his other films.

I love a long movie, I love being able to spend as much time as possible with a character. But that time spent needs to make sense and have a point. I felt as though The Irishman was rambling, pointless, and often I wasn’t quite sure if we were in past, present, or future.

And that point comes down to decideing to take older actors and try and de-age them rather than hiring younger actors to play their younger selves. I’m sorry, but a 70 something year old man movies like a 70 something year old man. Putting a young face on him doesn’t change that. Watching De Niro try to beat up another man as his younger self was painful and awkward.

Scorcese, Pacino and De Niro. Image Credit:  REUTERS/Carlo Allegri

I’m Not a Film Maker

I am, however, a creative person who likes to enjoy creative material. I also know what I like.

The Irishman was a lot of the same old, same old that we’ve seen from Scorsese in the past, just not as good as some of his other films. It seems like Netflix told him, “Do whatever you want,” and he did.

Unfortunately, that restulted in a movie that I watched with excitement at first, and growing sadness by the end as I realized that this movie was not made for me. It was a massive disappointment that felt dated and old-fashioned, and not in the ways that I like.

Instead, it felt like a throwback to an era where women took a back seat, an we are asked to sympathize with a very unsympathetic character.

I suppose ultimately, I don’t like feeling as though I am being forced to feel bad for someone who (spolier alert) ends up dying sad and alone because he lived a terrible life and made bad decisions.

The Irishman isn’t for me, and I openly acknowledge that many, many others really enjoyed the film. I never really wish ill will to any creator, even if they are globally famous. I’m glad people are getting enjoyment out of it, I, however, wish I could get those three plus hours back.

What did you think of The Irishman?


Being Grateful and Baby Yoda (Okay, it’s not really about Baby Yoda, but give it a chance)

Hello Friends and Faithful Readers!

Today’s blog is a musing about a few different topics, but as you can probably tell by the title (or by using your top-notch detective skills) I am thinking about the term “grateful” and all it encompasses.

It’s a Bit Much

How often do we see hashtags that say “blessed” or “grateful,” and how often do we roll our eyes at those hashtags (FYI, I really dislike that I live in a world where hashtags are thing)? I know that I roll my eyes, but often that depends on ther person it came from. If I know that they are sincere, it’s fine and dandy. If I know they are just posting it because it makes them look interesting or thoughtful, that’s when the eye rolling begins.

The point is, how many of us are honestly, truly grateful for what’s in our lives?

I say this as one who has been guilty of not being truly grateful. I used to complain and feel depressed about what I didn’t have and never once stopped to think about what I did have.

Even during my worst times, I had a family that loved me, and friends who cared about what happend to me. For any one person, that should be enough. But for so many of us it simply isn’t. We want more, more, more.

Image Credit: Funny Status

The Mythical More

So what is this more we so often want?

More money.

More friends.

More love.

More of a waistline.

More muscles.

More, more, more.

It. Is. Exhausting.

I am 100% guilty of asking for more when what I had and have should be 100% enough. I think the reason that this happens, and I can only speak for myself (but feel free to tell me what YOU think in the comments) is because I want to feel comfortable. I want to have enough money so that I don’t worry every month about paying the bills. I want to have more of a waistline and I don’t gain the weight back that I have lost over the last five years.

I equate more with being happy and comfortable.

And I don’t think that’s the right way to think about it.

The Right Way? What is This Right Way?

I’ll be honest, and those of you who know me in real life, know that I am just as lost as the next Baby Yoda on the street. I don’t know what’s up, down, or Mandalorian.

Image Credit: Disney
(See what I did there? I made it topical, plus, I want to look at pics of Baby Yoda. Isn’t it ADORABLE????).

The fact is, I’m just working through my shit like everyone else. I work hard at trying to not take people, places, or things for granted. To be in the moment and to enjoy what my life is, rather than what I think it should be.

Because I think that’s what it all comes down to, we sit around saying we’re grateful for what we have, but we also, and often in the same breath, state what would make us even more grateful, and that usually comes with some kind of a price tag attached.

This Year and Into 2020

This year what I am trying to do is remind myself that yes, I am grateful for what I have (and I have A LOT), and yes, there are things that I wish I had more of (i.e. Money) so that I could be more relaxed and comfortable. But what I also think at the same time is that even without that extra money to add comfort to my life, my life is pretty amazing.

I might not post hashtags of all the wonders in my life, I may curse my torn meniscus or my painful lower back, but I also have a lot of love, a furry black cat that adores her humans, and friends and family who would do anything for me.

I am lucky. I am grateful, and I am going to work really hard in recognizing that I have more than others do, and that I need to make an effort to realize that and perhaps even do something to pay that love forward to those that might be feeling a little sad or lonely this holiday season (and beyond).

So, that begs the question … what are YOU grateful for?

Image Credit: Party City


5 Questions For a Creator: Robert Hanna

For this installment of 5 Questions, I chatted with Robert Hanna. Robert is currently producing & directing a Documentary Series called “WHY.”           

“WHY” is a documentary series with a focus on People who are inspired & dedicated to pursue a particular calling in their Life.   

What is your number one tip to creators (new and old) on how to best market themselves in today’s world?

These days it’s real easy to get ahead of ourselves in thinking about how we can use all these different “social tools” to reach people, but at the end of the day, the true catalyst is the art itself. If you have something worthwhile to say, have created something helpful to others, have created something that brings people real joy, or inspires them to think differently about something, see it through first.

Do it thoroughly and create your piece with presentation in mind. See “where and how” you are going to present your creation as inseparable from the process. Give your presentation the same creative energy and respect as you gave to the piece itself. If you can accomplish this, you’ve already done the heavy lifting of marketing.

Robert Hanna in his natural habitat.

Why is marketing yourself, aka the business of creating, so important for creators to learn and embrace? 

Because it forces you to consider context. Marketing is essentially the presentation of your creation. When you try to see your creation in the context of presentation from the beginning, it challenges your intention & skill in a healthy way. It provides you with the opportunity to get to learn and know your piece better. A piece that is presented and framed well will naturally resonate with more people or at a higher rate, which is essentially a process that “marketing” is trying to replicate or bolster.

What do you like best about being a creator?

When I am creating, I am the most natural, excitable, peaceful, inspired, happy version of myself. I like who I am.

What do you like least about being a creator?

How vulnerable to fear we become. Especially when you go all-in on yourself. Doubt can creep in…”Is this worthwhile?” ” “Should I be doing the dishes right now?” “Should I be pursuing money?” This thinking is destructive to the process and totally normal. It is particularly amplified when being a creator is your “job”, which can seem to be totally paralyzing. But this is just another inseparable part of the process. If you can get to a place of being able to move forward regardless of how comfortable or “secure” you feel, these types of thoughts start to diminish. Fighting this battle is integral to growth.

Who (or what type of art) inspires you most and why?

It’s people getting up every day and getting at it – regardless of circumstance. It’s the pieces, in any medium, that clearly have layers and layers of mind, will and emotion baked into them. It’s the pieces that when you really start to dig deep, you realize that this was not a transactional endeavor.

This did not come about for the sake of “look at me”. When the effort and intention transcend all that the systems of this world can make sense of. When your effort is clearly in the service of beauty, inherently in the service of people, and ultimately in the service of God. These things are most inspirational to me.

Check out a preview of “WHY” below, and see more at the website!


5 Questions For a Creator: Tabitha Lord

Photo by Robin Ivy

Recently, I chatted with author Tabitha Lord. Tabitha’s HORIZON series has won several independent book awards including the Writer’s Digest Grand Prize in 2016.

In addition to writing novels and short fiction, Tabitha is a partner and senior writer for Book Club Babble and managing editor for the Inkitt Writer’s Blog. She lives in Rhode Island with her husband, four kids, and lovable fur babies. 

What is your number one tip to creators (new and old) on how to best market themselves in today’s world?

Self-promotion and marketing can feel uncomfortable, especially for us artistic types, so I prefer to think about it as relationship building. Connecting with people who like your art and share your interests can be gratifying and feel more natural than constantly pushing them for a sale. 

Still, we have to be willing to promote our work in ways that are most effective. For me, it means choosing to do events and signings where I’m likely to find fans. As a sci-fi writer, Comic Cons, World Con, and single author events have been very successful. Find your people. Meet them where they are. On-line, I need to stay up to date on the latest advertising methods. I have to be willing to spend a little money, try something, and then track my results and adjust accordingly. Research the latest trends. Conduct your own marketing experiments. 

This whole endeavor – building a platform, maintaining an online presence, showing up for events, communicating with fans, etc. can feel daunting. If I were to give out one piece of advice it would be this – create a long-term marketing plan and do a little something every day toward your goals. Rome wasn’t built in a day!

Why is marketing yourself, aka the business of creating, so important for creators to learn and embrace?

I’ll speak from what I know, writing and publishing, as things may be different for other types of artists. All the working writers I know, whether traditionally published, independent, or hybrid, have to take a certain amount of ownership for their own marketing. We really can’t get away with hiding out in the coffee shop, tapping away on our keyboards, and hoping our books magically sell themselves. 

If we write only for ourselves, then we don’t have to worry about the business side of things. But, if we write because we want to share our work with others, then we have to understand how to reach our readers. We also have to understand how the business works if we’re entering into a contractual agreement or hiring others. The more we know about this side of the house, the more effective we’ll be at getting our work into readers’ hands.  

What do you like best about being a creator?

I love writing the first 10k words of a new novel! This is when my enthusiasm for the project is still brand new, and it’s before I’ve hit any creative roadblocks. It’s the time when I truly feel most joyful, and the words flow continuously. 

What do you like least about being a creator?

I hate the crippling self-doubt that hits me at least once during the writing process. Usually, it happens about half-way through a first draft. I suddenly think my entire plot is collapsing, and I’m certain I’ll never figure out a way to salvage it. I wonder why I ever chose this career path to begin with, and I’m sure I’ll never write another book. Sometimes the feeling visits again when I’m editing, but at least then I have the infrastructure of a draft already in place. 

Who (or what type of art) inspires you most and why?

I have a hard time answering the ‘who’ question, because there are so many writers I admire for different reasons. Stephen King for his sheer storytelling prowess. Isabel Allende for her beauty with words. J.K Rowling for her stunning imagination. The list goes on… 

Truly though, I appreciate anyone willing to labor over their art and then have the courage to put it out into the world. It’s a piece of us, whether it’s a song, a moment on screen, a painting, a dance, or a book, and we’re vulnerable when we share it. 


Healing the Heart

I got married a few weeks ago.

That is a sentence I never thought I’d say. I never thought I’d meet someone who would want to spend the rest of their life with me. I never thought someone would love me so much that they would proclaim that love in front of all our friends and family, as well as legally. It still stuns me to say the word husband. 

The reason this is all so weird for me is because it took me till I was almost 40 to realize that I didn’t love myself as I deserved, and that I didn’t think I deserved love from anyone, let alone a romantic partner. 

My heart was sad and broken. We had a very unhealthy relationship. I don’t have any specific childhood trauma I can point to that tells exactly where my heartbreak happened. I just always remember being anxious, depressed, and feeling distinctly that I didn’t like or love myself very much.

My relationship with myself was always awkward, uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to do with my body or how to position it in space relevant to other people. I didn’t know how to act “properly” so that people would like me. I always felt acutely that people didn’t like me and that they found me tedious and boring. 

Photo by JL Metcalf

I always felt like a loner, but really I craved togetherness.

I was bullied as a teenager, typical stuff, nothing like kids today go through. I was lucky to grow up pre-Internet so the bullying didn’t follow me home. But it did, however, cement into my psyche that I was a loser who didn’t deserve friends or anyone to love her. 

I could go on and on about my struggles with my relationship with myself, but it’s something I have worked through and found the other side of, and that is a far more important topic to me because we all have our stories, important stories, but how we heal from those stories needs to be discussed. 

How did I get to a place where I was able to have a healthy, loving relationship with myself? One word: Therapy

I was in my early 30s when I realized I needed help. I was dating a string of men who were essentially the same guy. They didn’t want a committed relationship, they didn’t want me. I was feeling lonely, confused, but I was starting to realize that I was dating this type of man because I didn’t think I deserved anything better.

My therapist landed in my lap by happenstance — as these things do. She helped me get through the pain of why I felt so unloveable. Why I hated myself so much (just so you know hate is not a word I like to use, but I use it here because it was true, I hated myself). More than anything, she gave me tools to figure out how to love myself in a healthy and profound way. 

And once I realized that I had a lot of friends and family who loved me, honestly loved me for the person I was, my world opened up in a new and important way.

I was able to see that I, like all of us humans on Earth, deserve love from others, but more than anything it is perfectly acceptable to love ourselves without guilt. It is not self-centered or egotistical to love yourself. In fact, it is vital to surviving this life!

If you can’t or won’t love who you are, how in the world will anyone ever be able to love you the way you deserve? 

Acceptance of myself came over many years, and is still something I “fight” with – But seeing my joy in pictures like above makes me realize that I have come a LONG way.

My heart has begun healing these last ten years or so, and the culmination of that was meeting a man who had the same struggles, whose heart was also broken, and realizing that we could love one another exactly how we wanted, how we needed to be loved. Not only that, we could openly love ourselves and respect ourselves and our needs enough to speak up when necessary. Our ability to communicate is what helped heal my heart. 

Nothing is perfect. I still struggle some days. I still wonder why my husband loves me as much as he does. I still wonder why my friends love me as much as they do. But in those moments I reach for the tools I have been given through therapy and yoga and living life, and I sit quietly, close my eyes and remember that I deserve the love I have around me. I deserve to love myself. I repeat this mantra over and over again until my brain believes it, and my heart feels less sad.

It is no easy thing, learning to love, but it is so important that you do it. If you find that love, if you heal the relationship you have with yourself then, and only then, will you be able to find a relationship that satisfies your heart and your soul.

Healing the heart can happen in many ways – but I always find spending time marveling at the beauty of the world always helps me.

How do you heal your heart?


Mental Health and “The Joker”

Last Friday I saw The Joker and I have to say it blew me away 100%. Everything about this movie screams truth and brilliance in a way few films manage to do (for me anyway).

Walking in, I wasn’t quite sure what I expected. Seeing photos of Joaquin Phoenix in his Joker makeup didn’t make me feel any excitement about the film. Then I saw the trailer and I was stunned. It looked not at all like what we normally see from the film universe at DC. It looks like a movie more about a man’s decline into his mental illness, rather than a story about a fictional superhero-ish character.

I like a little reality with my fantasy I suppose.

I have always found the character of the Joker to be fascinating, as so many others have. To me he is like many of the characters in Alan Moore’s Watchmen. Flawed, and almost human, but doing superhuman, insane, outrageous things. I resonated with the Comedian in Watchmen for the same reasons I resonate with the Joker. They seem like real people doing unreal (and unpleasant) things. I can’t like, as much as I adore the Marvel Universe, I enjoy my character with some realism, some flaws.

What we get with The Joker is a deep dive into real life for so many people dealing with severe mental illness. I think the reason why this movie upsets, why it makes people uncomfortable is that it deals with a “system” that doesn’t care about people, that lets serious mentally ill people fall through the cracks, and then, what’s a potential result of this?

Catastrophe. Destruction. Death.

Does it sound dramatic? It should. We see the effects of what happens when we ignore mental illness every single day. Mass shootings, suicides, violence, et cetera. Not all of these incidents are attributed to mental illness, but let’s face it, many of them are.


The Joker makes you see what happens when a man who needs help, and who, at the beginning of the film, is actively trying to help himself. Sort of. But as we watch, event after event transpires to derail him mentally, and the more people ignore his illness and allow him to slip slowly through the cracks, the more insane he becomes. The more detached from reality he is. 

Then there is nothing less but death and destruction in his wake. 

This movie makes people uncomfortable because this country seemingly wants to ignore the mentally ill. It wants to turn away from them because they, what? Shame us? Make us feel guilty? Make us feel sad?

I’ll tell you something dear readers, I am mentally ill. YOU are mentally ill. WE ALL are mentally ill. So to ignore one person who shows it off more prominently than another, is to ignore yourself.

I have suffered on and off with depression my whole life. Sometimes it’s been severe, to the point of wanting to die. Other times I just sleep, a lot, but I have always been able to function. Many cannot.

I also have anxiety. That is a constant bee buzzing in my stomach and in my head that makes me obsess about this, that, or the othr thing. Sometimes it’s about important stuff (like when my husband had a back injury and I worried about his health), but often it’s about unimportant stuff (like if my wedding dress would fit the day of my wedding).

Anxiety and depression often don’t wear a shirt and proclaim themselves to the world.

Mental illness is insidious. It sneaks up on you, it hides within you and manifests whenever and however it wants to. Sometimes severely, sometimes more mildly. I can function with my anxiety, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t keep me up at night, that it doesn’t make me feel sick. That’s why I go to therapy and for really bad days I have medicine that helps take the worst of it away.

All of this is to say that mental illness isn’t always something you can see so clearly, as you can in The Joker. It’s dangerous, it’s subtle, BUT it can be helped, cured, however you want to say it. People can be helped, if only we had a system that allows for people to be helped and cared for.

Photo Credit: From the Counseling Center at NC State University.

The Joker is fiction, but the story it tells is reality for many people. Let’s not get lost in talking about it being too violent (it’s not – you want some of the “ultraviolence” watch any of the John Wick movies), but instead let’s take the opportunity to take a fictional movie and really discuss mental health in the United States, and how we can help our most vulnerable people. How we can make them feel less ashamed about the illness they didn’t cause, and how we can help them be happy. 


Hey You! Read This Blog!

Hello Friends, Creators, Ghouls and Fairy folk,

I am posting today to ask a favor – do you create something you like to share with others? Is it a book, a piece of art, music, podcasts? Do you run your own business?

If you answered YES to either of these questions, then you are the person I WANT.

I have a series called 5 Questions for a Creator, and I require more creators to help with the monthly feature. It is five simple questions via email that can take as much or as little time as you need to answer them.

I need YOU to answer 5 questions!

Art by Frankie B. Washington.

No creation is too small, if you have thoughts on marketing, creating, or art, then you are the person I need to talk to!

Email me at jessicaleemet@gmail.com or find me on Facebook!

Shadow asks for your help - would you deny that face?

“The Testaments” by Margaret Atwood Is More Than Just Fiction

Most likely, if you are reading this you are either a fan of me (yay) or a fan of Margaret Atwood (also, yay). I am a fan of both.

The Handmaid’s Tale

I admit, when I first read The Handmaid’s Tale in college I wasn’t blown away by it. I just didn’t get it at the time in a way that resonated with me, and I am working to be 100% honest so there it is peeps, I did not like THT when I first read it. 

True story.

Fast forward a whole mess of years to the start of the TV show on Hulu. I decided that it was time I re-read this old chestnut and see if as an older (maybe wiser) adult I might get more out of it.

Boy-howdy, did I ever.

I loved the book on this second read, and I understood it in a whole new way, especially in light of the Trump Era of cluster fuckery. 

Atwood’s writing is so beautiful, so seemingly effortlessly making flowers out of shit that I cannot even stand it. I’m sorry if that is foul and the complete opposite of how Atwood writes, but it’s so beautiful I can’t come up with the proper words to express it. 

The Testaments

When I heard that Atwood had written a sequel to The Handmaid’s Tale I about lost my ever-loving mind. I actually pre-ordered a copy because I wanted, no needed, to have a copy in my hot little hands the day it was released. Then it sat on my bedside table for a few days, and then I started reading it, and I did not want to stop.


I would have read this bad boy in one day back before I had a job and a husband, but I had to content myself with getting little juicy tidbits of it each night before bed. It was kind of nice, and I was sad when I finally finished it. 

I’ll start my review of the book here: It was excellent. 

Now, there may be some spoilers, but at this point the book has been out for weeks and I’m sorry, but I can’t keep from talking about the plot in a review so either read, don’t read, or just close your eyes and absorb the content of this blog via osmosis, whatever floats yer boat mateys.

Onward and upward.

“Only dead people are allowed to have statues, but I have been given one while still alive. Already I am petrified.” – Margaret Atwood, The Testaments

The basic plot of The Testaments is that it’s 15 years after the events in The Handmaid’s Tale and we are getting the testimony of three women about their experiences both within and outside of Gilead. 

There very different perspectives. 

One is from a woman who grew up in Gilead, one from a woman who grew up in Canada, outside of Gilead, but had a lifetime of hearing about the horrors within.

Finally, the third perspective is from Aunt Lydia.

Yes, that Aunt Lydia.

Illustration- Nathalie Lees/The Guardian

I have to say, part of me enjoys Lydia’s portions more than the other two women; partly because of the Hulu show and Ann Dowd’s powerhouse performance, but also because we know so little about the Aunts and what got them to where they’re at. Learning how Lydia becomes Aunt Lydia is utter horrifying, and fascinating. We see how much someone can be pushed, how much someone can be treated like an animal, how much they are tortured and made to fear for their lives until they turn against their own kind (aka, women). 

I think we all like to believe that no amount of torture would make us turn against our own, but let’s be realistic here, who really knows the answer until faced with the reality? 

In The Testaments, Lydia is doing the thing you’re not supposed to do, she is writing it all down. Every wart, every ugly sore on the face of Gilead. She is committing to paper and history just how awful Gilead is, and what it does to its women. I mean, most of us, if we’ve read The Handmaid’s Tale or even just seen the TV show, we know this stuff for the most part, but it still makes for riveting reading. Simply because it reminds us of the horrors people are capable of — again, something I think most of us know (even if that knowledge is buried deep down inside).

These three perspectives weave together into a story that gives audiences another side to Gilead and its horrors, and is an excellent sequel to an already stellar piece of literature. 

Favorite Line(s)

There were many parts that caused me to pause, take a breath, and reread them, but one that got me — to the point where I still remembered where it was weeks later when I set down to write this review — Is where two women, in training to become Aunts, discussing the suicide of another Aunt.

“But why did she do it?” I asked. “Did she want to die?”

“No one wants to die,” said Becka. “But some people don’t want to live in any of the ways that are allowed.” -Margaret Atwood, The Testaments

Think about that for a minute, and it explains not only the few choices given to women in Gilead, but the millions who face their own battles to “conform” in real life. 

Gay, lesbian, transgender, anything that is considered “out of the norm” (something decided by others that makes literally no sense). 

Anything that doesn’t allow a person to fit neatly into the boxes of straight, white, and male/female. They are offered a choice, live in the way that society wants you to live, or don’t. Some choose to die because they “…don’t want to live in any of the ways that are allowed.” 

From The Testaments


Atwood’s world of Gilead and beyond has a way of resonating strongly with society itself in reality. She takes these ideas of what it is to be a woman, what it is to be useful, what it is to be spiritual and have a belief system, and makes us look at what happens when belief goes too far. When one person decides that their way is the “only” way and everything goes to Hell. 

And through at least two of the three women in The Testaments we learn what it is to face that belief and realize it is a lie. The woman growing up inside of Gilead, as she learns to read (because Aunts are allowed to read) discovers that Gilead is a lie, that it’s tenets and the loyalty it demands of its community are all lies. That the leaders are horrible people doing horrible things in the name of power.

The woman struggles, she feels her faith shaken and destroyed, as she says;

“If you’ve never had faith, you will not understand what that means. You feel as if your best friend is dying; that everything that defined you is being burned away; that you’ll be left all alone. You feel exiled, as if you are lost in a dark wood. … the world was emptying itself of meaning. Everything was hollow. Everything was withering. … The truth was not noble, it was horrible.”

I could honestly go on for days and days talking about this books, but I leave you to read it and engage with me, your friends, your cats, whomever, about it. There is a lot in this book that takes time to unpack, and probably more than one reading, but it is worth reading. It’s worth taking the fictional lessons imparted within it’s pages and realizing that they matter in real life. 

The Tipping Point

We are at a tipping point where something like Gilead could happen, and I think most women, and quite a few men, know this. We have to pay attention, and we have to stay strong in the face of looming disaster.

But that is for another blog on another day. If you haven’t read The Handmaid’s Tale, go out and get it today, and while you’re at it, pick up The Testaments

… you could believe in Gilead or you could believe in God, but not both. “ – Margaret Atwood, The Testaments



I am taking a bit of time off from blog writing because as some of you may know, I got married on the 7th!

While I am recalibrating my brain I have been reading Margaret Atwood’s new book, The Testaments, and I just finished it. It. Was. Amazing. Next week I am planning on writing my review so stay tuned!

For now, make sure you pick up the Trickster’s Treats 3 anthology on Amazon today! My story I Want It is part of this great collection of spooky, creepy stories just in time for Halloween!

Shadow and I will see you soon dear readers!


Available for Pre-Order Now!

You can now pre-order the short story anthology Trickster’s Treats 3 and you’ll get to read my short story called “I Want It” — along with some other great and spooky stories!

Proceeds will go to the charity:water organization! So your money benefits an important cause AND you get some awesome stories!

Pre-order your copy TODAY!


Fictional Friday!

When I started this blog I knew I’d have some weeks where it would be a struggle to come up with content I feel passionate enough about to post on. I have a post written, but it doesn’t feel like quite the “right” time for it, so I am going to hold onto it for a bit longer, tweak it, and wait for its time to be born into the blog.

For now, I wanted to share with you all another piece of my fiction writing, this time from my collection of short stories Menagerie of the Weird.

I love this story, I wrote it in college for an assignment and it is my ode to my all-time favorite Poe story, The Masque of the Red Death.

When I first read the Poe story I was instantly entranced by the ideas of the different colored rooms, the rich and powerful thinking they can hide in opulence from disease, and realizing that no amount of wealth can help when it comes to the plague.

Here is my story, I hope you love it like I do.

“The Color of Death”

by JL Metcalf

“There was much of the beautiful, much of the wanton, much of the bizarre, something of the terrible, and not a little of that which might have excited disgust.”

~Edgar Allan Poe

She sits on the orange couch surrounded by orange walls. Her hands bunch and clench in her lap, unsure what to hold onto. She gazes at the young police officer standing over her and he speaks but the words are lost in the buzzing in her ears. Someone is screaming. She shakes her head and looks away from him. The orange rug is dirty now. All the people walking in and out of her apartment had left footprints. She hated when the apartment was dirty. 

She put her face in her hands and tries to understand what happened. How had it all come to this? She can’t concentrate, there’s too much screaming. Then she smells the blood, the coppery rich smell of blood and remembers that it’s on her hands. It’s all over her. She had touched the body. 

The body.

Dear God, there was a body in her apartment.

She sobs and looks back up at the police officer who stares down at her with obvious sympathy. He hands her a Kleenex and she wipes her face, bright red blood on the white tissue. She must look a fright, her face and hands covered in blood. She tries to pull herself together.

“Ma’am? I need you to tell me what happened here.” the Officer’s voice starts to break through the fog and she looks at him.

“Yes. Yes I do.” she said, her voice soft. She looks up at the Officer, “I killed her. I did it.” she said and the Officer stared at her, speechless. The woman smiled at him in a kindly fashion, she understands that this is all very overwhelming. The blood and the tears, the screaming woman. It’s all very overwhelming.

The Officer turns away to find his superior, this is turning into a huge mess. The woman remains seated on the orange couch as more people march in with a stretcher. They make their way to the back of the apartment. Is that for the woman wailing in agony? Someone really needs to shut her up. She thinks to herself and then she realizes, she is the woman wailing in agony. She is the woman screaming. The stretcher isn’t for her.

It’s for the body. The dead body.

Four Years Ago

“You like Poe? I love him!” Stephanie says and grins. Cindy tentatively smiles back at her. She is slightly overwhelmed by this woman.

“His short story, “The Masque of the Red Death” is one of my all-time favorite stories. I love all the colored rooms.” Cindy says quietly, her cheeks flush with color but Stephanie doesn’t laugh at her, she claps her hands together and nods her head.

“I know! It’s an amazing story.” Stephanie says and takes her hand, “But the Prince Prospero was happy and dauntless and sagacious.” She quoted, smiling. Cindy looks down at their joined hands and smiles in return. This is nice. This woman Stephanie is stunning and Cindy cannot believe she’d be interested in her. She’s so plain, mousy brown hair, brown eyes and pale skin. Nothing remarkable about her figure or her personality. She always thought of herself as rather bland. As someone not to be noticed.

Stephanie on the other hand, she was vivacious and full of life. Her short hair was blond and she had bright blue eyes. She wore a lot of blue to accentuate them she had admitted earlier. She was tall and curvy and gorgeous. Men stared at her with lust and women stared at her with obvious jealousy. Cindy felt suddenly proud that this fantastic woman would stop to talk to her, much less hold her hand in public and quote Poe.

“Cindy, do you want to have dinner with me tonight? This has been so much fun but I have to get to class now.” Stephanie released Cindy’s hand with obvious reluctance and stood, gathering her book bag as she spoke. 

They had met in a lecture on the role of horror in literature. They had struck up an instant friendship, chatting about books and movies. Actually, if Cindy was being honest, Stephanie had started and carried most of the conversation. Cindy had been too stunned to say much of anything. She wasn’t used to beautiful women talking to her like she mattered.

“I would love to.” Cindy said and smiled at her new friend.

Cindy was never what you would call popular. She had friends and she had boyfriends but she never felt truly connected to the world around her. Her boyfriends had been few in number and she had never had sex with them, they had all been short-lived affairs that ended in their tears and Cindy’s indifference. She never found much solace in other people. She really only felt peaceful when she was alone and writing.

She decided she was gay when she was about sixteen but knew she couldn’t come out to her parents until she was older. They wouldn’t understand that it wasn’t a choice she made, it was simply how she was. So she kept her secret and pretended to be like everyone else. It wasn’t too hard, no one paid much attention to her anyway.

She finally came out in college. Her parents were horrified but cautiously optimistic that it was just a stage even though Cindy insisted that it wasn’t. She allowed them their falsehood because it kept them in her life. They never talked about her sexual orientation again after that day. Cindy was relieved. If she was honest with herself she’d admit that she wasn’t all that interested in her own sexual orientation either.

As Stephanie walked away from their table that afternoon Cindy realized that if she and Stephanie began dating, it would be her first relationship in college. She had spent time with a couple girls and had even kissed one of them, but she never felt moved to go any further. The relationships eventually withered and died. The girls left feeling a weird mixture of confusion and relief. Cindy never suffered much at the end of any relationship, she moved on quickly. She was often indifferent to the pain of others, or so she was told by the girls she briefly dated. Stephanie was different, Cindy didn’t know why she felt this way, she simply knew that Stephanie would be someone very special.

That night at dinner was wonderful, they flirted, they laughed and then, when all was said and done, they made love. Cindy admitted afterwards that it had been her first time and Stephanie was blown away. It was a beautifully tender and romantic night. 

Cindy felt like a different person with Stephanie. She felt more alive. More in touch with the world around her. More in touch with herself. Or, who she thought she was anyway. Stephanie helped her see all the colors of the world. Cindy pretended to care deeply about them.

Cindy would refuse to admit to herself that even with Stephanie’s love, she still felt empty. She felt alone. She ignored the fact that sex made her feel ugly and dirty and that it did nothing for her. She forced herself to do it because Stephanie seemed to enjoy it so much. 

They quickly fell in love, spending every moment together and Cindy couldn’t get enough of Stephanie. She fed off of her light and her exuberance. Years passed in the blink of an eye. At their fourth anniversary Cindy took her out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. She had planned the night  in intricate detail. As they sat sipping champagne Cindy noticed that Stephanie seemed distracted.

“What is it?” she asked.

“What? Oh…it’s nothing.” she said and smiled.

“Tell me Steph.” 

Stephanie sighed and shook her head, “I don’t want to do this here, not on our anniversary. It seems…wrong.”

Cindy felt her stomach drop and she put her champagne flute down onto the table. Reaching forward, she clasped Stephanie’s hand and met her eyes.

“Tell me.” she said, her voice rough. Stephanie put her glass down as well and put her other hand on top of Cindy’s.

“I’m…I’m not happy Cindy. We’re not good for each other…” she paused and picked her glass up again, breaking contact with Cindy by taking her other hand and laying it in her lap, “We haven’t made love in months and you barely even speak to me…this dinner is the first time we’ve been alone in weeks.” she guzzled the rest of her champagne and looked at Cindy nervously.

“I see.” Cindy said and stood up, “Come with me. Let’s go talk somewhere private.” she said abruptly and Stephanie nodded in agreement. She looked anxious and while part of Cindy wished she could ease her fears, she was too wrapped up in her own thoughts to bother. She was fascinated at her lack of emotional response to Stephanie’s words. She had felt fear and sadness but no surprise. None of it was a surprise, for months now Stephanie had been making snide comments about their “boring” life and getting angry at everything Cindy did. Cindy ignored most of it, figuring it had nothing to do with her. But now she saw that it was all her fault.

She had allowed her indifference to permeate their relationship. She had allowed Stephanie to experience who she truly was. She had allowed Stephanie to see that she was an empty shell and Stephanie was rejecting her. 

Stephanie was going to leave her. Cindy couldn’t allow that.

They spoke little on the drive home and when they walked into the apartment Cindy turned to her, “Drinks. We need drinks. I’ll get them, you relax.” she said and touched Stephanie’s face, “I do love you…let’s really talk about this.” she said and Stephanie smiled, looking relieved.

“I love you too Cyn.” she said.

Cindy stepped into their blue kitchen and looked around, this apartment was bizarre to her, she had not understood Stephanie’s desire to color-code the rooms. When she asked about it Stephanie had looked offended before finally saying, “It’s an homage to our favorite Poe story…”The Masque of the Red Death” …I thought you’d like it.” she sniffed before locking herself in her office.

Cindy sighed and made her way to the fridge where she pulled out a bottle of wine. Looking behind her she heard Stephanie turn on some music in the living room and sit down with a sigh. Cindy quickly dashed across the hall to the bathroom.

Where Stephanie kept her sleeping medication.

Crushing the meds into the glass she filled it with wine and went back to join Stephanie in the living room. They sat down on the orange couch and sipped their wine. Finally, Cindy sighed and drank the last of her glass before putting it down.

“So…we need to talk…” she said and Stephanie nodded as she nervously sipped her wine. “If I’m being honest Steph…I’m not happy either.” Cindy said and watched the relief spread over Stephanie’s face, she took a big gulp of her wine and nodded. Stephanie blinked a few times and rubbed at her eye with one hand. She suddenly looked tired.

“What can we do to change things?” Cindy asked her. 

“I-I think we need to…we need to…be…more…” Stephanie’s eyes were closing and she looked sleepy, she looked at her wine glass and at Cindy, “What…you do…what did you?” she slurred and leaned forward to put her glass on the table, she missed and the glass crashed to the carpet, spilling its last drops of wine onto the orange carpet. Cindy looked at it in disdain.

“Look what you did. You know I hate when it’s dirty in here.” she said angrily and stood. Stephanie watched her, helpless to move as Cindy walked over and slapped her face. “You can’t leave me Stephanie. I forbid it.”  she said as Stephanie’s eyes closed and she fell into a deep sleep.

As Cindy and Stephanie fell in love Cindy discovered Stephanie’s fatal flaw. She was desperate to please and she very rarely stood up to anyone. Cindy found that she had an aggressive side to her and could easily force Stephanie to her will. She thrived on making Stephanie do what she wanted and ignored her when Stephanie tried to enforce her own will upon their relationship. Cindy also found that Stephanie did best when steered with a firm hand. If that meant a few slaps or punches here and there, than so be it. Cindy knew what was best for Stephanie and eventually, Stephanie came to the same realization.

When Stephanie woke up she found herself handcuffed to the bed. Cindy sat beside her, reading a book. 

“Ah. Your awake. That was quite a nap you took my love.” she said, putting her book down.

“What’s going on? CIndy?” Stephanie pulled at the handcuffs locking her to the bed and glared at Cindy with anger in her eyes. Cindy laughed.

And Darkness and Decay and the Red Death held illimitable dominion over all,” Cindy quoted from Poe’s work and smiled at her lover. Stephanie stared at her, unbelieving that the woman she loved could be so far gone. 

“What the hell? Cindy, you have to let me go!” she cried out. Cindy laughed again.

“You know…that’s the first time I’ve ever seen you truly angry. Bravo Steph! Now, we have to discuss some changes. I don’t think you understand that I simply do not care if you’re unhappy. You are here for me and only me. Do you understand that? You are going to marry me and we are going to live a nice, normal life.”

“I won’t-“

“Hush up.” Cindy punctuated this statement with a slap to the face.”You will do as you are told or face punishment.”

“Screw you Cindy. Let me go!” Stephanie said, suddenly defiant. Cindy laughed and stood up. She surveyed the pristine white of their bedroom, sad to think it was soon to be soiled. The bedroom had always been her favorite room in the apartment. Something about the pristine white appealed to her. She turned and bent over to root through a small bag at her feet. She pulled out a pair of large pliers and turned to Stephanie.

“Do you now what these are for?” she asked. Stephanie said nothing. “No idea? They’re for removing your toenails and fingernails. One at a time.”

Stephanie screamed when the first toenail was torn off. Cindy had to gag her to keep the neighbors from hearing. By the time she finished, the quilt beneath her was bloodied and Stephanie was passed out. Cindy put the pliers away and sat back down, picking up her book once more.

She kept Stephanie tied to the bed for weeks. During that time she removed all her nails, shaved all her hair and tortured her in a myriad of unpleasant ways. The bedroom was no longer white, the walls and floor were spattered with blood, some fresh, some dried to a crusty brown. 

“This room smells rather…unpleasant…I think it’s time to clean you up.” Cindy said and unlocked her hostage from the bed. Stephanie had lost her strength a few days ago so Cindy wasn’t worried about her escaping. She had lost a lot of weight even though Cindy fed her. Her once perfect skin was scarred and scabbed over and many people had called looking for Stephanie. Cindy told them all in a tear-filled voice that Stephanie had left her for good and she didn’t know where she had gone. They all believed her and it made Cindy realize that Stephanie’s unhappiness was far greater than she had imagined. She had clearly been discussing it with their circle of friends. In the end though, it made Cindy’s life easier. Everyone believed her story.

She carried Stephanie into the bathroom and laid her in the bathtub where she lay unconscious. Cindy went into the bedroom and surveyed the damage. It was really beyond cleaning, she might as well burn everything. She grabbed some trash bags and was going about stuffing bedding into them when she was suddenly hit it the head. She cried out and fell onto the bed, when she turned over Stephanie stood above her, holding the frying pan in her hands. 

“What are you doing?” she asked, touching her head and feeling the wetness of blood she glared at her former lover with fury.Stephanie started to laugh hysterically, her face a mask of madness.

…who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? Seize him and unmask him –that we may know whom we have to hang at sunrise, from the battlements!” she cried out, quoting Edgar Allan Poe as she brought the frying pan down again. And again. And again. With a cry of rage Stephanie slammed it into her face one last time. Cindy’s legs jerked and were still. Dropping the pan Stephanie fell to her knees and through her tears she screamed, “And now was acknowledged the presence of the Red Death!!!” Then she began to laugh hysterically.


“I did it Officer. I killed her.” Stephanie sobbed and held her hands out towards the Officer who stepped back, his face a mask of horror. Then he turned and went to look for his Captain as the woman collapsed back into herself. When the Officer and the Captain returned the woman sat stiffly on the couch, staring into space. Her wounds were gruesome and deep but she wouldn’t let the paramedics take a look at her. Every time they came near she started screaming again. The Captain eyed her cautiously and turned to his Officer.

“She’s clearly been tortured or beaten, we gotta take her in to get checked out.” The young Officer nodded and they stepped up to where Stephanie sat on the couch, an orange  blanket from the couch wrapped around her shoulders.

“Miss…” The Captain sat in front of her on the orange coffee table.  The woman didn’t move for a moment but then her gaze shifted over to him.


“My officer says you have admitted to killing Miss. Jones. Is this true?”

The “Red Death” had long devastated the country. No pestilence had ever been so fatal, or so hideous. Blood was its Avatar and its seal –the redness and the horror of blood.” Stephanie quoted and the two men glanced at each other as Stephanie nodded, “Yes…”the redness and horror of blood” …have you ever read Poe Officers?” she asked, eyeing them with the eye not swollen shut.

“Um…can’t say I have Miss.” The Captain said, his forehead creased with worry.

“Oh, I love Poe,” she mused,  “…there arose at length from the whole company a buzz, or murmur, expressive of disapprobation and surprise –then, finally, of terror, of horror, and of disgust.” she smiled wanly at the men who were left speechless at her recitation.

“Uh…Ma’am…” the Captain said but was struck silent when Stephanie stood and looked him directly in the eye.

Darkness and Decay and the Red Death held illimitable dominion over all.” she quoted loudly and walked out of the apartment, the Officer quickly following. The Captain stared after her, his face an unreadable mask as a paramedic walked over to him.

“Where did she go?” he asked and the Captain shrugged.

“Officer Smith is going after her, I think she’s lost it man.” he said and the Paramedic peered at him.

“Why? Cuz of the screaming? That’s normal after so much trauma.”

“No man, she won’t stop quoting some Edgar Allan Poe story.” he replied and the Paramedic looked at him incredulously as the Captain repeated himself, “I think she’s lost it.”

The End

My collection of stories came out in the Summer of 2015, and is available for purchase on my website or on Amazon!


5 Questions For a Creator: Heather Rigney

This week I got to chat with author/creator Heather Rigney! Heather is a fiction writer, blogger, journalist, and art teacher based in Rhode Island. She is the author of The Merrow Trilogy –a dark, historical fantasy novel that deals with homicidal mermaids, the colonial suppression of women, and a present-day alcoholic funeral director trying to make sense of it all.

Her journalistic writing has been featured in both Motif Magazine and The Avenue Concept Magazine, and she contributes weekly to Inkitt-The Writer’s Blog. By day she teaches art at an all-girls Quaker school and at night she tries to be creative while avoiding too many sweets.

You can read more about Ms. Rigney on her website: www.heatherrigney.com

Author Heather Rigney in her natural homicidal mermaid form.

JL Metcalf: What is your number one tip to creators (new and old) on how to best market themselves in today’s world?

Heather Rigney: Be consistent and be yourself.

I am at least one of those things–I’m always unapologetically ‘me’ but I suck at consistency! Recently, I got a full-time teaching gig and my artistic gigs have suffered. However, I do know that to stay relevant, you need to be consistent with your audience. Have weekly content on your social media channels that is both a glimpse into your world as a creative individual and that features what you’re selling in some way. I am not good at this. My sales have dipped because I don’t stay on top of this. 

An author friend of mine sends out a weekly newsletter about what’s going on in her life and I am always fascinated by how she finds the time and the content. I love that she is always herself. Personally, I can’t stand fakeness. I know a few lifestyle bloggers and the forced, posed, staged content makes me gag. 

JLM: Why is marketing yourself, aka the business of creating, so important for creators to learn and embrace?

HR: We, creators, like to make stuff.

The stuff is only a business when you get it out there in the big wide world. Because we are makers, we tend to be on the shy side. The business world does not embrace shy, it embraces the go-getters. So, that’s the dirty truth. We shy violets need to dig deep to be outgoing when we are not. It’s the only way you’re going to sell anything. 

My advice, if you can’t be you, be someone else. That’s weird but true! Try and do what your most out-going friend would do! I do that sometimes. I think of my friend who talks to everyone and I channel her. “Hi! I like your shirt! Can I tell you about my book?” I also have bookmarks with my best review ever on the back which I hand out. “Here! Don’t take my word for it, read the description on the back!” These bookmarks have sold me more books than I can count and I barely had to say anything. Find your trick(s) and use them. 

Art piece by Heather Rigney

JLM: What do you like best about being a creator?

HR: The zen part of creating appeals to me. When I am writing or painting, I zone out. I’m completely wrapped up in words, ideas, media, patterns, shapes, whatever. When I create, all the other life-junk fades away. It’s an escape for me. 

Also, I create worlds where I am in control. Isn’t that what everyone wants? To be in control of just one small thing and have it turn out just the way you like it? Creating is like that for me. I make stuff to make me happy. 

JLM: What do you like least about being a creator?

HR: Figuring out what to do with stuff after I make it. The creating is awesome. The editing, marketing, selling, etc. … Meh. That’s serious work and it takes a lot out of me and gives very little back. That’s a lesson I have learned the hard way–realizing that my hustle is not going to yield as much as I would like. And, the creative business is all about the hustle. 

The Merrow Trilogy by Heather Rigney

JLM: Who (or what type of art) inspires you most and why?

HR: Great question! I’ll break it down into my two creative realms–writing and painting/illustrating.

Writing – I have always admired and been in love with the works of both Margaret Atwood and Angela Carter. Ms. Atwood because she writes about women in a way that is both true and intimate. She also tackles science fiction/speculative fiction in a way that is both frighteningly thought-provoking with a feminist edge. Angela Carter also writes with a feminist slant, but her writing is more in the dark fairy tale vein which really appeals to me. 

Painting/Illustrating – I really enjoy both figurative and abstract work. Right now I am loving Audra Auclair. Her colors, her imagery, her intense knowledge of anatomy is everything to me. 

Art piece By Heather Rigney

Thanks Heather for your insightful comments – and thank you to my readers for checking out this weeks 5 Questions For a Creator!

Make sure to check back here next Friday for another post!


A Bit of Fiction for Friday!

In July my fiancé Frankie showed me a contest that a local magazine, Motif, was having as part of the upcoming NecronomiCON celebration.

Here in Rhode Island we have wicked love for all things weird, as well as all things HP Lovecraft.

(In case you didn’t know, Lovecraft was born in Providence, hence our love for the writer.)

The contest asked local writers and artists to submit works in the vein of Lovecraft, but with their own spin (brownie points given if you somehow include Rhode Island into the tale).

I did not win the contest, but I did get one of four runner up spots – something that made me quite happy. To get runner up out of 50 something entrants isn’t shabby at all folks!

I had a lot of fun writing this story. I have read some Lovecraft (every school kid has, right?) but I wasn’t extremely well-versed in his style. But I know enough about what scares me, and I also know that some of my favorite writers, Stephen King included, take some of their inspiration from Lovecraft.

Well, without further ado – Check out my entry, It Won’t Be Ignored, and I please click the link after the story to check out the other awesome entries!

It Won’t Be Ignored by JL Metcalf

She sat at the desk, tapping her keyboard, liking the click of the keys but not typing anything of worth. With a sigh she peered out her window at 

(her prison?)

Providence, her home. The buildings rose up, thrusting their cement edifices into the gray skies. Rain fell onto the city, cleaning it, making it pure. But purity was not what was needed. What was needed was something unspeakable, something she couldn’t quite believe she was a part of. 

She looked at her keyboard, “Shub-Niggarath” she murmured. 


Scratch scuttle. Scratch scuttle.

The sound again. That infernal noise. She sat up in bed and looked around her. The bedroom was dark, and would be quiet if not for that damn scratching in her walls. 

Her landlord, a man large of belly and small of mind, had chuckled at her over the phone the last time she called him regarding the noise. She could tell he thought she was a hysterical female desperately in need of a man. In fact, he had uttered “Don’t you lesbeens know how to, you know, do stuff?” She had clenched her fist angrily, it wasn’t the first, and wouldn’t be the last time he called her a lesbeen. In his barely understandable Rhode Island patois he told her he would “Take care of it.” When she asked when that would be he coughed a deep, phlegmy cough and hung up the phone without responding.

Scratch scuttle. Scratch scuttle.

That was weeks ago. Weeks and weeks of the noise. It sounded like little feet and claws in her walls. Of a busy critter making a nest, destroying insulation, doing damage. Making her insane. Weeks of it waking her up at night, of it disturbing her work. Weeks of it echoing in her brain like some kind of soundtrack for her life. 

Truth be told, she loved her apartment. She lived on Union Street in a loft that had views of the skyline that took her breath away every day. If not for the scratching, it would be the perfect apartment.  She often told friends that it was a place she could live in until she died. 

Which might be today, she thought unhappily as the scratching intensified, if that damn noise doesn’t stop! 

Scratch scuttle. Scratch scuttle.

As a freelance writer, she spent most of her time in her apartment. When the sound had started she had hoped it would fade away on its own. When it got really bad, or what she then considered really bad, she played music to cover up the noise, but lately even that didn’t seem to be working. The noise permeated every moment of her life in the apartment.

Scratch scuttle. Scratch scuttle.

You’re being stupid, she thought as she lay back down and put her pillow over her head, it can’t get louder. You’re just tired from lack of sleep. Unless, her tired mind retorted, there are more of them in your walls. What if it’s an infestation. The thought made her heart race and her stomach clench. The thought of hundreds, no thousands of critters in her walls

Scratch scuttle. Scratch scuttle.

made her feel sick. Infestation. Vermin. Disease. Impurity. The words swirled and danced through her head like some kind of sadistic, twisted mantra. Infestation. Vermin. Disease. Impurity. Over and over again.  She moaned. 

“Go to sleep crazy,” she said out loud to stop the racing, swirling thoughts, “Go to sleep.” 

She closed her eyes. She knew what to do, she had learned it in therapy. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe

Scratch scuttle. Scratch scuttle.

in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Rinse and repeat.

Impure. Impure. Impure. 

“No,” she moaned and shifted in her bed, the sheets tangled between her legs, her body coated in sticky, smelly sweat. 

She tried to count sheep, but the fluffy bastards wouldn’t cooperate. They started out all cute, like the Serta sheep in the old commercials. Then the clouds above formed the word Impure and the sheep began to transform. They became hairless, emaciated beasts, their mouths dripping with blood and some weird green goo. Their eyes rolled back and sunk into their skulls with a wet plop. Their flesh hung in ropey strands over bright white bone. They turned, opened their gaping, rotted mouths, and the sound

Scratch scuttle. Scratch scuttle.

Echoed around her. “Dammit!” She groaned and got out of bed to watch TV, “I give up, you win!” She yelled at the walls as she brewed coffee and sat on the couch, watching endless episodes of The Office as she waited for dawn. 

Scratch scuttle. Scratch scuttle. 


Bleary eyed, a massive coffee clutched in one hand, her laptop under her arm, she sat down in the Dunkin on Dorrance Street, and sorted out her stuff. By this point the noise had been ongoing 24/7 for months. She no longer felt like herself. Her dreams, when she slept a few hours each night, were filled with monsters with sharp, glistening teeth calling her name. With dark rituals she didn’t understand, but that felt familiar and ancient. That felt purifying. 

She sipped her hot coffee,


not caring that each sip burned her tongue. She relished the feel of the caffeine working its way into her system, the warmth it created in her belly, “Ah, that’s the stuff,” she murmured and laughed to herself. 

A man in a suit and tie looked over at her curiously, but said nothing. “That’s right douchebag, I’m talking to myself,” she mumbled and chuckled again, “I’m a loony tunes lesbeen,” she cackled. Now more people were looking at her, their eyes shifting to her laughing face and quickly away when they saw something in her face that scared them. If they accidentally met her eyes they felt a chill run down their spine, an awareness of something…evil in their midst. In fear they fled the shop, praying that distance would cause the fear to fade.

Scratch scuttle. Scratch scuttle.

She looked around her, “No,” she said, her posture hunched, like a scared animal, “No,” she repeated. The sounds of the coffee shop dimmed, all she heard was

Scratch scuttle. Scratch scuttle.

The sound. It was everywhere.

“No,” she said again, louder. Around her the crowd in line shifted away from her, faces buried in phones or looking outside, looking anywhere but at the dirty, disheveled woman talking to herself and getting more and more agitated. 

She jumped when a hand touched her arm, “NO!” She growled in a voice she didn’t recognize, looking at, but not seeing the worker. 

The Dunkin employee jumped away, her young face stricken, “Ma’am?” She asked, her voice shaking.

“NO!” She snarled again, “Not here! Not here!” She screamed.

Scratch scuttle. Scratch scuttle. 

“Ma’am, are you all right?” The girl stepped away as the woman fell to her knees, her hands in her hair, a groan emanating from her in one long wail that sent many of the remaining customers out the door.

She looked up at the worker suddenly and smiled. The young girl gasped and stepped back so fast she tripped and landed with a plop on the floor. Her coworkers were gazing at the woman in fear, too afraid to do anything, and the manager, a tidy man in his 20s, stepped forward. He cleared his throat, but when he opened his mouth to speak

Scratch scuttle. Scratch scuttle.

was all that came out. She looked at him, tears in her eyes. She looked around the Dunkin, and shook her head, “No, no, no, no, no, no, no.” She mumbled, “I can’t hear you. I can’t hear you.” 

Scratch scuttle. Scratch scuttle. 

It was all she couldhear now. Then a voice sounded, it was her voice, but not her voice. It was a dead voice.  An ancient voice.

Impure. The blood is the way. Shub-Niggurath

Confused, she screamed and ran from the coffee shop, she had to get back to her apartment she thought insanely. She would be safe there. The sound would keep her safe.

As she made her way through the streets of Providence, she swore she was being followed, she felt eyes on her, hunting her. A grunting hot wave of breath washed over the back of her neck and she shuddered, “No,” she moaned, “Please,” she begged, not knowing who she was begging exactly.

Impure. The blood is the way. Shub-Niggurath.

The voice was insistent. It wouldn’t be ignored. Sobbing, She turned to see the beast she knew was hunting her, knowing if she saw its eyes it would be the last thing she saw, but her legs got tangled and she crashed to the ground in a sobbing heap. Snot ran from her nose and dripped to the pavement. She pressed her forehead into the ground.

Scratch scuttle. Scratch scuttle. 

She screamed and banged her head on the cement sidewalk. Once. Twice. Again and again, until blood stained the pavement. 

The blood is the way Morrigan. Shub-Niggurath.

Suddenly she smiled, yes, the blood, the blood would make it stop. It would make the sound stop. She was sure of it. It would cleanse her, for she was impure. 

You need more.

A hand gripped her shoulder, she flinched and scuttled away, growling. The police officer sighed, but he stepped way, holding his hands up. She gazed at him and watched his lips move, but

Scratch scuttle. Scratch scuttle.

was all she could hear. It lived in her brain now, that sound. But she had been given the answer, the way to make it stop. She knew now what to do.

Blood. The blood. It needs the blood to make the sound go. Get the blood. Bathe in the blood. Feed us the blood. 

“Who is us?” She asked out loud. The police officer rubbed his face and spoke into the walkie on his shoulder, “I’m going to need an ambulance at the corner of Dorrance and-“

“SHUB-NIGGURATH!!!!!!” The woman screamed the sacred name, the word coming from an ancient and unknown place within her. She suddenly, in a burst of knowledge handed down from generations of her ancestors, she knew what had to happen. What was happening. 

Her shriek had started the police officer and he stepped back, away from her madness, away from the fear that jumped into his throat at the sound of the name.

He stepped back, off the curb, and directly into the path of an oncoming bus.

She felt warmth wrap around her. For the first time in months, she felt happiness as the police officer seemed to explode as the bus driver slammed on brakes that screeched and squealed. As bystanders screamed in unison. As the blood sacrifice was made.

YessssssWell done Priestess.

All she heard was silence. Blessed silence.

Exhausted, she pushed herself off the sidewalk and shook her head, blood drops from her wounded forehead flying around her in a gruesome halo. People had run to where the officer had been killed. Others stood nearby, wailing in surprise and fear.

No one noticed as she slowly walked away, the silence around her a welcome and comforting cocoon. 


Morrigan sat at her desk, tapping the keys happily. She felt so refreshed, so creative. Things had been good. Even the dreams didn’t bother her. She knew it was the beasts way of honoring her. She knew now what she had to do to keep the noise at bay. She knew how to serve the beast and keep the noise quiet. 

Scratch scuttle. Scratch scuttle. 

Sniffing the air, she raised her head. It couldn’t be, it was so soon.

Scratch scuttle. Scratch scuttle. 

She stood and gathered her things, “Shub-Niggurath,” she said solemnly, Reverently. 

She got it done efficiently for the beast, for that was her sacred duty as priestess. 

The blood. It needs the blood to keep the quiet. To purify.

Scratch scuttle. Scratch scuttle. 

The End

For more stories, including the winning story, Click Here

Note: All photographs are by JL Metcalf and are her sole property.


Flash Fiction and Booksie

I am always on the hunt for writing contests and fun ways to stretch myself with my writing.

Last month I found this fun writing prompt on Booksie, along with a flash fiction contest I could enter into for free.

Image credit: Frankie B. Washington

What’s fun is that I can see how many people have viewed my little story – 325! – and I am appreciative of every one of you who have read and shivered over my horror tale.

If you haven’t read it yet, go here and check it out, feel free to share the story far and wide!


5 Questions For a Creator: Penny Dreadful

This week I got to chat with Penny Dreadful, the host of a horror show called Shilling Shockers that airs on television channels throughout the country. If you haven’t checked out her show, do so immediately, it’s loads of fun!

Penny, aka, Danielle Gelehrter is an actress, writer, and comedian from Massachusetts. In the persona of witch horror hostess Penny Dreadful, she introduces horror, sci-fi, and fantasy movies on the local TV horror movie show ‘Shilling Shockers.’ The series ran from 2006-2016, and continues on in the form of annual Halloween specials and DVD releases.

In addition, Gelehrter along with Eric Marshall, have been the co-writers of the official Masters of the Universe Classics toy bios from 2016-present. Gelehrter has also been a writer on several He-Man books from Dark Horse publishing. She is currently working on a book about the werewolf folklore and legends of New England. 

JL Metcalf: What is your number one tip to creators (new and old) on how to best market themselves in today’s world?

Penny Dreadful: Thanks to the internet, it’s easier than ever to get the word out via social media platforms and websites. Things like Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter are great tools for getting the word out. However, because it’s such a great place to showcase your work and advertise, there are a lot of people using the internet to promote what they do. Because of this, it’s easy to get drowned out in the overwhelming ocean of posts and websites.

It’s important to present material in such a way that’ll help you stand out. It’s a balancing act too, because you want to keep putting updates out there, but you also don’t want to “overload” your audience with constant posts about your work either. 

The internet isn’t all though. At least as far as being a horror host, doing appearances at horror conventions and local events is key. That way, you get to go out there and meet folks in person, which is great. It’s more fun to connect that way, both with existing fans and with potential new fans. A lot of people got turned onto ‘Shilling Shockers’ after they randomly stopped at our table during a convention.

JLM: Why is marketing yourself, aka the business of creating, so important for creators to learn and embrace?

PD: Putting in the work to market yourself is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and, in fact, is usually pretty essential to your success as a creator.

It can be challenging to “embrace” it because of the stigma which is sometimes associated with this kind of self-marketing. For example, you may get the occasional person who will throw out the disparaging “shameless self promotion” comment. I even sometimes say it about myself in a joking manner. However, unless you have some paid representative to do it for you, you need to promote your own work to get the word out about it, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Otherwise, how are people going to find out about what you do? Nobody else will magically do it for you, and your audience isn’t going to materialize out of thin air. Creator + Audience – it’s a two part equation, and that’s the truth.

That said, it takes time and effort, and some level of nuance to do it. You don’t want to shove it down people’s throats, but you don’t want to quietly sit back and hope that people will automatically find you. It takes some practice to get it just right, I think, and there’s a something of an art to advertising your creativity without turning people off by bombarding them.

Photo Credit: Rebecca Paiva

JLM: What do you like best about being a creator?

PD: The joy of making something that didn’t exist before, bringing it into the world, and watching the reaction. I think that’s why I love improv comedy so much. The spontaneity and energy of improv is creation in its purest form – “creating without a net,” if you will. That’s a pretty great feeling.  

JLM: What do you like least about being a creator?

PD: Trolls. Not fantasy, fairy tale, and folklore trolls – those are totally awesome and I love them. I’m talking about trolls of the “keyboard warrior” internet variety. I haven’t had a ton of run ins with them, fortunately, but it happens on occasion.

JLM: Who (or what type of art) inspires you most and why?

PD: Inspirations include many classic actors, writers, and comedians. To name just a few: Mary Shelley, Boris Karloff, Lucille Ball, Shirley Jackson, Agnes Moorehead, Weird Al, Vincent Price, Vampira, Joan Jett, Basil Gogos, Mozart, the Marx Brothers, Jonathan Frid, the Ramones, Zacherley, Carol Burnett, the Sex Pistols, Margaret Hamilton, Charles Addams, the Monkees, Caspar Friedrich, and Bugs Bunny.

All art and creativity inspires me if it comes from the heart. That’s kind of a cop-out answer, but it’s true. Acting, writing, visual art, and music are all forms of art that inspire me.

Photo Credit: Eric Parks


It’s Okay To Be Seen

Don’t Be Ashamed…

I’ve read a couple different things recently that have really made me think about something women face their entire lives, something that we don’t even maybe realize we are doing to ourselves: This idea about women being ashamed to take up space. To be loud. To make themselves seen, heard, and known.

How many of us hide in the background, afraid to be seen because when we are seen, we are called some pretty nasty things. They call us bitches, whores, and much worse. 


At 40, I am more confident than I have ever been, but even with that confidence I know that I am still afraid to truly be seen all the time. I don’t like being the center of attention and I figure that’s normal and just me being humble and appreciative for the little sliver of stuff I have.

But it’s more than that. It’s something that’s been engrained in me by society my entire life. Not on purpose, please understand that none of this is me saying “Men are bad, women are great.” No, nothing like that at all. This is me calling attention to something that really bothers me, something that I fight against every single day, and I wonder: Who else feels this way?

I have wonderful parents that never treated me less than my brother, but at the same time I grew up in a world that says women should be quiet. They should be on the sidelines. They shouldn’t take up too much space because when they do, they are taking space that belongs to a man.

I feel angry even typing that, but it’s true and I have to say it.

When the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team won and celebrated that win, Piers Morgan Tweeted: 

Moment of Clarity

We are pushed down and pushed down and pushed down, and when we want to leap up and scream our victory, or our rage, we are told that we need to be silent. That by screaming our truth we are somehow egotistical and rude and bitchy

This Tweet is a good example of how if and when a women “gets loud” she becomes “shrill”

“Don’t Be Such a Bitch”

Good god how I hate that word, bitch

It has been used against women for so long that it’s no longer anything but a massive insult. It’s a way to push women down, to push me down back into “my place” where I am supposed to be quiet and not need anything. Where I’m supposed to do as I’m told, take care of others (ideally men) and not make any kind of noise. 

Because when a woman makes noise, she is uncouth, she is rude, she is ugly. 

Well, I’m saying now, screw that nonsense. It’s bullshit. 

We are all human beings and as such, we should treat one another the same. I’m going to use a word that’s thrown around and has therefore lost some of its power, equality. We need to start treating each other with equality.

In meditation practice the word equanimity is used a lot. If you’ve never heard this term before, “Equanimity is a perfect, unshakable balance of mind, rooted in insight” (Buddhanet).

Now you may be shaking your head even more confused. The idea of equanimity is balance. Balance between love and hate, anger and happiness, male and female. It is when states such as these are out of balance that distress happens, disease happens, war happens. 

We all, as a collective human, need to find our way to equanimity. 

I won’t even say that this sounds easier than it is, because honestly, it sounds just as hard as it is. How do we get everyone (Trump lovers and Sanders lovers and everyone else) to come together in equality? In equanimity? 

I have no freaking clue. 

I’m not going to spout affirmations and words of strength because I don’t know how I change an entire lifetime of programming. I honestly am not. I can say, however, that I have friends and family and my soon to be husband who support and love me — whether I make noise or not. My fiancé especially encourages me to be loud, to be seen, and sometimes he makes sure I am seen when he sees me hiding. 

This is a video of me being seen at a book reading in 2014 – It was REALLY hard for me to do this, but I am glad I did.

The thing is, we can’t just suddenly change how we behave, but what I think will change things is by being aware of the issue and by actively trying to make changes to our behavior. We need to look to the women who have decided that they are going to be seen and heard, and aren’t going to be ashamed of either. We need to look to them and see them as proud warrior women who can show us the way, we shouldn’t judge them because we fear them, we should embrace them and ask them to help us be better at being seen. 

The Phantom Queen, Morrigan.
A bad ass warrior deity.
Image Courtesy of AstralCollective

It’s perfectly okay to be seen, and honestly, it’s okay to hide sometimes too, we can’t expect change to happen overnight. The important thing here is don’t be afraid to be seen, as hard as it can be. Don’t be afraid to need love and kindness and strength from those you care about, don’t be afraid to need others to help you. It’s okay to need people.

That’s another thing I have trouble with — I suppress my pain. I hide it inside myself so others don’t know about it because I don’t want to be a burden, because I don’t want to need anything from them. I don’t want to ask for help because it seems like weakness. Again, I don’t want to be truly seen. 

I suppress good news and try to minimize it. Recently I was accepted in an anthology that comes out over Halloween 2019, and while I was very excited to get that acceptance email, I also had one of those moments of, “Well they picked me because there must not have been a lot of applicants.” *Sigh* I have no idea of knowing if that’s true or not, and it doesn’t matter, because I was chosen and I am allowed to feel good, to be happy, to be seen.

Once again, me being seen in an upcoming Halloween Anthology

But I won’t beat myself up about this. I have made huge strides. I do ask for help, even when that voice inside says, “No! Don’t do that! They’re busy. They’re hurting. They don’t have time for you!” Because that little voice is wrong. When I ask for help, help is given readily and without judgement. I am seen, and it feels good sometimes, even when it’s hard.

We have to be the change if we ever hope for change. 


5 Questions For a Creator: Robert Geronimo

This week I had the pleasure of chatting with writer and artist Robert Geronimo. Robert is a published illustrator, writer, and comic creator, known for his dark fantasy series, Blood Realm.

JL Metcalf: What is your number one tip to creators (new and old) on how to best market themselves in today’s world? 

Robert Geronimo: The hustle never stops. Lot’s of up and coming creators often think they can sit back once they’re published. That is not the case. You still have to generate excitement around your book every time there’s a new release. Never take your readers and fans for granted.

JLM: Why is marketing yourself, aka the business of creating, so important for creators to learn and embrace? 

RG: We live in an age where we’re inundated with media. It’s non-stop. Especially with social media platforms like Instagram. Creators have to get people behind their product and let everyone know about it. On the plus side, there’s an audience for everything. 

JLM: What do you like best about being a creator?

RG: Seeing readers get excited about a new release is incredibly rewarding. It’s the ultimate pay-off. Especially when they’re discussing it after they’ve read it. 

JLM: What do you like least about being a creator?

RG: Things won’t get done unless you motivate yourself. Particularly when it’s a one-man-show like Blood Realm. I write, draw, color, and letter the series, and I don’t have anyone else to blame but myself if something isn’t finished.

JLM: Who (or what type of art) inspires you most and why? 

RG: Artists and writers that take risks inspire me. There are many titles that have the same aesthetic and story beats. I admire creators that go against the grain but can still tell deep and compelling stories.

Thanks Robert for taking the time to answer my questions! You can find out more about his work on his website.


Storytelling and Communication

This week I wanted to touch  on something that’s been bouncing around in my brain for a while: How we communicate.

It comes up on a regular basis, and maybe I am becoming older and more ornery, or else what’s actually happening is that in this world of connectivity we are communicating less authentically. 

I look around a restaurant, or a movie theater before the movie starts, or anywhere really and I see people staring at screens, I would say maybe 90% of the time. And I admit, I do it too. I love playing games and checking in on social media. I like having a reason to not make eye contact with strangers that may or may not turn out to be creepy. 

But this is all to our detriment don’t you think? I remember the days when I had nothing to do when away from my home except smile at people, make eye contact, maybe start a conversation. I didn’t stare at a screen. 

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t say any of this to say that I don’t enjoy the advances that technology has made. I love having easy access to my documents and information right at my fingertips 24/7, but I also kind of dislike it as well. 

*Illustration by Frankie B. Washington

It’s odd because according to communication theory, we as humans love telling and hearing stories — so what has happened that we seem to enjoy it more on a screen than face-to-face?

Stories and the Narrative Paradigm

Everyone loves a good story.

As humans we are hardwired to want to tell and hear stories. Stories about the mail person delivering the wrong mail to our front door, stories about our trip to the grocery store, to the gas station, to another country. Stories about sex, about life, about everything.

There is a communication theory called The Narrative Paradigm that was developed by Walter Fisher. 

The narrative paradigm basically, in the most simple way states that, “All meaningful communication is in the form of storytelling. Peoples past experiences influence our need for communication and also base our behaviour.”

As a storyteller, I love making up worlds and sharing them with others. Just recently I was at Plastic City Comic Con, and I still, even after all these years, get ridiculously excited when people buy my books and are about to engage with and enter my worlds. 

But storytelling isn’t reserved to just reading and writing. It’s oral traditions, when I listen to my fiancé tell a story about his childhood it always makes me smile, even if it’s the millionth time I’ve heard it, why? Because it’s a good story, and we as humans love a good story. 

But stories are more than just entertainment. They are a way for us to share experiences, to foster community and collaboration, to make connections. It’s a way for us to relate to one another on different levels. 

We all love stories – how many of us have taken shelfies to share on social media of our libraries?

One of the biggest revelations of my life was realizing that I was not alone in feeling depressed or anxious. That people who seemed to have it all were just as confused, scared, or worried about their lives and their futures. 

Stories make us feel less alone because they can often create a shared experience. We can get out of our heads and instead engage with another person who has or is living through a similar experience to ourselves. 

That is extremely powerful. I cannot state that emphatically enough. 

Are our stories being lost in social media? I worry about that. 

Our Need For Connection

As humans, or at least, in my experience as a human woman, connection has always been my goal in any relationship I’ve had.  It doesn’t matter if it was a friendship, romantic relationship, or work relationship. I wanted to connect with people, to feel accepted in some way.

Side Note: It’s funny how weird I feel when I type the above sentence. When I was a teenager I tried to put up this facade of not caring if I was accepted or not. I would dress weird or act weird, and hope that other weirdos found me and accepted me — they did of course.

Now as an adult (sort of anyway) I realize that it’s perfectly okay to want to be accepted by others. It’s normal and it’s human. It’s also why we tell stories. 

I might tell a story to a friend about getting the marriage license with my fiancé, and she, having done that already, understands how excited I am, how big of a deal that is. We have shared a moment that many people may have already shared, but for us, it’s a sharing that leads to a deeper understanding between us. A closer bond. 

The simplest stories can lead to the biggest bonds. 

The End Result

So what does this all mean?

It means that we like to tell stories because they help us connect, and connection is something that most of us crave. Loneliness is a powerful tool of fear. Don’t ever underestimate the decisions you make and their power when you are making those decisions based in loneliness or fear. As hard as it may be, seek out others who you trust who can help you. 

Honestly, I am hopeful that by writing this blog I can connect with people I haven’t met yet, that we can join our like (or even unlike) minds and have a fun discourse about storytelling, about connection and about life in general.

Tell me your stories. 

Storytelling is about connection, something most of us are striving for.

(Photo by JL Metcalf)


5 Questions For a Creator: Keith Gleason

This week I had the honor of asking my 5 questions to Keith Gleason. Keith runs the upcoming (July 13th!) Plastic City Comic Con in Fitchburg, MA, along with working in comics such as his own creation Mighty Mascots among other exciting projects!

JL Metcalf: What is your number one tip to creators (new and old) on how to best market themselves in today’s world?

Keith Gleason: In addition to all the social media platforms you need to be on, I would say to make sure all your marketing has a strong presence and eye catching artwork.

Once you have a solid foundation with your brand you should also hit conventions and make appearances at local comic stores, etc.

You have to try and be in peoples faces as much as their phones are, but in a friendly positive way.

JLM: Why is marketing yourself, aka the business of creating, so important for creators to learn and embrace?

KG: It’s important if you want to share your creation with others. I find that being an indie creator we have to work harder for peoples attention. People know Batman and Spider-man but they do not know your character or brand. A lot of this is overcoming your own personal demons and fears.

JLM: What do you like best about being a creator?

KG: Creating fictional characters and worlds is amazing stuff. I love diving into the characters and world building. the ultimate thrill is sharing it with a reader who will enjoy it and talk it up to others.

JLM: What do you like least about being a creator?

KG: The sad feeling you get when you are at a convention and absolutely no one is interested in this comic book that you poured your heart and soul into. It’s a devastating feeling.

JLM: Who (or what type of art) inspires you most and why?

KG: I’m inspired by a lot of comic book artists, cartoonists, and writers. Some of my favorites include Stan Lee, Jack Kirby, Charles Schultz, Alex Ross, Jeff Lemire, Duncan Fegredo, etc.

*Art by Alex Ross


5 Questions For a Creator: Peter Simeti

This week I had the opportunity to ask Alterna Comics mastermind, Peter Simeti, my 5 questions. Peter Simeti is the founder and publisher of Alterna Comics. To learn more about Alterna Comics, please visit alternacomics.com.

JL Metcalf: What is your number one tip to creators (new and old) on how to best market themselves in today’s world?

Peter Simeti: I find a lot of people find it difficult to promote or sell their own work. Don’t look at it as “selling,” look at it as “sharing.”

If you fashion yourself as a living billboard, it becomes easy to ignore you. You become an advertisement, not a person.  But if you show that you aim to share your creations, knowledge, and experiences with people, then you communicate that you’re not only the face of a brand or product but that you’re also at the heart and mind of it. 

People purchase products but they support people. Connecting with your audience in a meaningful way is so important.

JLM: Why is marketing yourself, aka the business of creating, so important for creators to learn and embrace?

PS: Marketing is as critical as it is simple. You can have the greatest product in the world but if no one knows about it, then it doesn’t exist. It’s important to understand that marketing is not selling. The goal of marketing is to obtain awareness. Hopefully that awareness translates to sales. If done right, it often does.

JLM: What do you like best about being a creator?

PS: Every day is a new task and a new challenge. Never a dull moment!

JLM: What do you like least about being a creator?

PS: Same as the above: every day is a new task and a new challenge. Never a dull moment! Haha!

JLM: Who (or what type of art) inspires you most and why?

PS: I regularly find inspiration from people that accomplish their goals. Some people equate success with wealth and while that’s one way to measure success, it’s not always a true indicator of achievement.

I find accomplishments to be more inspirational. It’s great to see people achieve something that they’ve worked hard at, something they’ve fought for.

Nothing in life is easy and the things that are truly worth doing and fighting for are often the most difficult. It’s really inspirational to learn about the resolve that some people have and the hardships they endured to get to that place of achievement.

If you’d like to check out the full catalog for Alterna Comics check out their website!

If you are a creator, email me at jessicaleemet@gmail.com to be a part of this experience! Share your wisdom with the world!


5 Questions for a Creator: Amy Short

Welcome to 5 Questions for Creators! This is going to be a regular feature on the blog where I ask the same 5 questions to different types of creators to get their tips and ideas on the business part of being creative. The stuff that maybe we don’t want to talk about, but we need too.

This week we will look into the mind of Photographer Amy Short. Amy is the owner of Charlestown, RI-based Amy Kristin Photography, a full-service photography studio specializing in child and family portraiture.  Amy enjoys surfing when she’s not taking photos and has two furry critters:  Lionel the cat and Lemmy the dog.  

You can find her at www.amykristin.com, facebook.com/AmyKristinPhotography or on Instagram at @amykristinphoto.

5 Questions for Creators: Amy Short

JL Metcalf: What is your number one tip to creators (new and old) on how to best market themselves in today’s world?   

Amy Short: KNOW. YOUR. TARGET. MARKET.  You have to know WHO your target client/dream client is or else you’re essentially throwing spaghetti at a wall and hoping it sticks.  This is something I’m super passionate about from the photograph side of things and always coach other photographers on.  

JLM: Why is marketing yourself, aka the business of creating, so important for creators to learn and embrace?  

AS: Because if you do not, nobody will know you exist.  You can have a website or a book or even a storefront or whatever but if people don’t know it is there, that you exist, they cannot partake of your creations.  Creating is not an “if you build it, they will come” thing.  People won’t know you’re there if you don’t TELL them.

JLM: What do you like best about being a creator?  

AS: The high of creating images that make me and other people happy and also the calmness that comes with it at the same time; it’s one of the only times my mind is still.

JLM: What do you like least about being a creator?  

AS: People who don’t value my work (or any other type of creator).  People who you have to explain your value too.  Not your client…but still frustrating.  And I do hate the whole administrative side of things a lot of the time but it comes with the territory, at least until I can get Lionel to be my personal assistant.

JLM: Who (or what type of art) inspires you most and why?  

AS: Claude Monet for his colors across his whole lifetime, from the pastels of his early/middle work to the reds when he was losing his vision, as well as the impressionism that gave everything a blurred and surrealistic look.  This has played so much into my choices of colors, backgrounds, and locations. 

Many Dutch old masters painters like Rembrandt and Vermeer because their use of light is wonderful and amazing and inspirational especially in my studio work and the fact that they could PAINT that is mind blowing.  I also have an appreciation for movies in general and pay attention to the lighting and colors and so much else because I know it’s hard enough to do from a photography standpoint; to do that with movies is amazing.

Thank you Amy for answering my questions and I hope to have MANY more of these 5 Questions for Creators in the upcoming weeks!

Make sure to follow my blog for more fun Q&A’s and MORE!