Don’t Be Ashamed…

I’ve read a couple different things recently that have really made me think about something women face their entire lives, something that we don’t even maybe realize we are doing to ourselves: This idea about women being ashamed to take up space. To be loud. To make themselves seen, heard, and known.

How many of us hide in the background, afraid to be seen because when we are seen, we are called some pretty nasty things. They call us bitches, whores, and much worse. 

Why?

At 40, I am more confident than I have ever been, but even with that confidence I know that I am still afraid to truly be seen all the time. I don’t like being the center of attention and I figure that’s normal and just me being humble and appreciative for the little sliver of stuff I have.

But it’s more than that. It’s something that’s been engrained in me by society my entire life. Not on purpose, please understand that none of this is me saying “Men are bad, women are great.” No, nothing like that at all. This is me calling attention to something that really bothers me, something that I fight against every single day, and I wonder: Who else feels this way?

I have wonderful parents that never treated me less than my brother, but at the same time I grew up in a world that says women should be quiet. They should be on the sidelines. They shouldn’t take up too much space because when they do, they are taking space that belongs to a man.

I feel angry even typing that, but it’s true and I have to say it.

When the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team won and celebrated that win, Piers Morgan Tweeted: 

Moment of Clarity

We are pushed down and pushed down and pushed down, and when we want to leap up and scream our victory, or our rage, we are told that we need to be silent. That by screaming our truth we are somehow egotistical and rude and bitchy

This Tweet is a good example of how if and when a women “gets loud” she becomes “shrill”

“Don’t Be Such a Bitch”

Good god how I hate that word, bitch

It has been used against women for so long that it’s no longer anything but a massive insult. It’s a way to push women down, to push me down back into “my place” where I am supposed to be quiet and not need anything. Where I’m supposed to do as I’m told, take care of others (ideally men) and not make any kind of noise. 

Because when a woman makes noise, she is uncouth, she is rude, she is ugly. 

Well, I’m saying now, screw that nonsense. It’s bullshit. 

We are all human beings and as such, we should treat one another the same. I’m going to use a word that’s thrown around and has therefore lost some of its power, equality. We need to start treating each other with equality.

In meditation practice the word equanimity is used a lot. If you’ve never heard this term before, “Equanimity is a perfect, unshakable balance of mind, rooted in insight” (Buddhanet).

Now you may be shaking your head even more confused. The idea of equanimity is balance. Balance between love and hate, anger and happiness, male and female. It is when states such as these are out of balance that distress happens, disease happens, war happens. 

We all, as a collective human, need to find our way to equanimity. 

I won’t even say that this sounds easier than it is, because honestly, it sounds just as hard as it is. How do we get everyone (Trump lovers and Sanders lovers and everyone else) to come together in equality? In equanimity? 

I have no freaking clue. 

I’m not going to spout affirmations and words of strength because I don’t know how I change an entire lifetime of programming. I honestly am not. I can say, however, that I have friends and family and my soon to be husband who support and love me — whether I make noise or not. My fiancé especially encourages me to be loud, to be seen, and sometimes he makes sure I am seen when he sees me hiding. 

This is a video of me being seen at a book reading in 2014 – It was REALLY hard for me to do this, but I am glad I did.

The thing is, we can’t just suddenly change how we behave, but what I think will change things is by being aware of the issue and by actively trying to make changes to our behavior. We need to look to the women who have decided that they are going to be seen and heard, and aren’t going to be ashamed of either. We need to look to them and see them as proud warrior women who can show us the way, we shouldn’t judge them because we fear them, we should embrace them and ask them to help us be better at being seen. 

The Phantom Queen, Morrigan.
A bad ass warrior deity.
Image Courtesy of AstralCollective

It’s perfectly okay to be seen, and honestly, it’s okay to hide sometimes too, we can’t expect change to happen overnight. The important thing here is don’t be afraid to be seen, as hard as it can be. Don’t be afraid to need love and kindness and strength from those you care about, don’t be afraid to need others to help you. It’s okay to need people.

That’s another thing I have trouble with — I suppress my pain. I hide it inside myself so others don’t know about it because I don’t want to be a burden, because I don’t want to need anything from them. I don’t want to ask for help because it seems like weakness. Again, I don’t want to be truly seen. 

I suppress good news and try to minimize it. Recently I was accepted in an anthology that comes out over Halloween 2019, and while I was very excited to get that acceptance email, I also had one of those moments of, “Well they picked me because there must not have been a lot of applicants.” *Sigh* I have no idea of knowing if that’s true or not, and it doesn’t matter, because I was chosen and I am allowed to feel good, to be happy, to be seen.

Once again, me being seen in an upcoming Halloween Anthology

But I won’t beat myself up about this. I have made huge strides. I do ask for help, even when that voice inside says, “No! Don’t do that! They’re busy. They’re hurting. They don’t have time for you!” Because that little voice is wrong. When I ask for help, help is given readily and without judgement. I am seen, and it feels good sometimes, even when it’s hard.

We have to be the change if we ever hope for change. 

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